August 16th was one of the hardest days I've faced in some time. After a summer of being off, and focusing on the upcoming reality of motherhood and the little one growing inside me, to say that I didn't want to go back to school is a gross understatement. I was absolutely dreading it, with every fiber of my being. It's really not that I don't love children, or my job. I do. I really really do. But over the past year I have felt so torn over my desires. Being the type A, organized, perfectionist that I am, I like to do all things well. Really well. And I haven't quite figured out how to do that with both my work and home life. It always seems like to be a good teacher, I have to devote so much time, energy and effort, that my home life (marriage, friendships, time with the Lord, etc) suffers. Then, when I feel like I'm doing better in those areas, it usually seems like school isn't going quite the way I want it to. I hate that I can't seem to do either as well as I would like.
This summer I loved being able to focus my energy and attentions on things at home. As the summer began to draw to a close, my third trimester settled in, and with it - an increase in exhaustion. I wondered how in the world I'd be able to handle returning to school - with a combination class of 21 fourth and fifth graders and my waning energy. I couldn't fathom making it through 10+ hr work days, managing a classroom, planning, grading, communicating with parents and surviving all of this as a pregnant lady with a million other things to do. And so, I asked for and coveted the prayers of friends, family and anyone who'd be willing to listen to my woes.
And then, August 16th came, and the subsequent days thereafter. Despite my tears on the 15th, I haven't had any since. Things are busy and quite hectic and there is ALWAYS work to be done, but God has been so faithful. Having a student teacher has been a wonderful blessing - as she's been great company and so helpful with all of the small "beginning of the year" tasks that take SO much time. I'm looking forward to her taking over some of the teaching as well. I know that this is a learning experience for her, but I simultaneously think of her as a part of God's provision for me during such a hard time. I also have a wonderful teaching assistant who is a great support. The year is off to pretty much as good of a start as could be asked for/expected.
And when the wonderful people who have been praying for me ask - I tell them so. After hearing my sob stories from the beginning of the year for the past three years, most of them drop their jaws, give me a confused look, or do a double take when they find out how well things have been going. It's not just them - the words feel strangely funny coming out of my mouth as well. "The beginning year is going wonderfully so far" - is that even English? Definitely not words I'm used to speaking.
And yet - it is going wonderfully. God has answered prayers so abundantly for me and I am grateful. However, like those around me, I'm also surprised, and I shouldn't be. God has promised to be faithful. He's told us in his word that he likes to give good gifts to his children. Why am I surprised when he actually does?
Ephesians 3:20 came to mind. "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever, amen." Why am I surprised when God acts the way his word says he acts?
I was also thinking about this during my quiet time this morning when I was reading in 1 Samuel 23. David inquires of the Lord about whether to go attack the Philistines, and the Lord answers. Then later on in the chapter it says "And again David inquired of the Lord and the Lord answered him." Why do I not wait and trust that God will answer my inquires as he did David?
Oh me of little faith. I am trying to learn to be more confident that God is who he says he is, and he will do what he says he will do. He is so faithful, even when I'm not.
