No longer a teacher....

As of 2:30, it's official: I am a stay at home mom.  I am NOT a teacher.  This is such a strange feeling, and it really hasn't sunk in yet.  I'm sitting here at my desk, in my classroom, looking at the disarray.  Boxes are packed, posters and student work are taken down, my back table is full of the last few things I need to take care of before leaving, and I'm overwhelmed.

Today, my 5th graders had their Stepping Up ceremony.  I gave speeches, hugged students, was thanked by their parents, and shed tears.  It's a hard thing teaching 5th grade.  Every year the students I grow to love leave - they head to middle school and I stay here and get ready for the next group.  It's hard to watch them grow up.  Usually, by the time I see them again, they are wearing makeup, "teenager clothes" and think they are too cool for school.  It's sad.  I miss the children they were.

This year was a different sort of day.  After shedding tears for my departing 5th graders, I returned to my class to spend an hour with with my 4th graders.  For the last twenty minutes of the day we did the only appropriate thing for the last day of school - we put on music and DANCED.  We were silly, wild and crazy and just had a blast.  I also learned a new dance (it's called the Wobble - thanks Nathan!).  Then, when they left, one student said, "Mrs. Mays, it really sucks that you're leaving."  I cried all over again as I gave them their last hug and saw them our the door.

It was a hard day.  I'm so excited to be staying home with my sweet little boy.  I'm really looking forward to being there for him, not missing his firsts, and helping to teach him so many of the things he needs to learn, and being a full time mommy.  It was challenging this year to be torn between work and home.  I wanted, so badly, to be the best at both things I was doing - but, ultimately, felt not quite as good at either

It's going to be hard not to teach - I love what I do.  I love getting to know the kiddos, showing them constant love and support, even when they are a mess.  I love watching them transform over the course of the year into more mature, studious people.  I love seeing a community be built, where learning happens, they can take risks, explore new things and learn more about who they are.  I also love being silly, and, sometimes straight ridiculous with them.  I love the age group.  It's so much fun to inspire them to love learning, and to teach them in fun and innovative ways.  It's the best to see their little faces light up with excitement when they learn something new, or to have them say "thank you" after an especially good lesson.  I love the "oh, now I get it" moments, when things finally click.  It's a wonderful thing to be a part of these kids' lives.  

Some of them wrote me really sweet notes (and gave me gift cards to Outback and Sweet Frog - SCORE!).  It humbled me to realize that I have made such a difference in their lives.  And it saddened me that I won't be doing that next year - I won't get to have this role.  

Then I stopped and realized, I WILL have this role.  I will get to make the biggest difference in my son's life.  If I have to chose a role, I choose that one - a hundred times, and I know I'll never regret my choice.  

And if, along the way, there are opportunities to pour into the lives of some others, I will welcome the chance to do this again.  But for now, I'm happy to take off my teaching hat, and "just" be mommy :D.

Six month letter to Eli

A few weeks ago I had a kid.  Now he's six months old.  How did that happen??  I have got to stop blinking.

In all seriousness, the past six months have FLOWN by.  I'm pretty sure that he now qualifies as an "older baby".  I'm not sure, but I'm guessing he's around 17lbs (16lbs, even at 5 months).  What happened to my little (not so little) 9lb bundle that left the hospital?  He has grown so much, so fast.

I am keeping a journal of letters to Eli.  It's a little notebook that JP bought me when I was pregnant.  I wrote letters to him throughout my pregnancy, and have been writing one a month since he was born.  It's fun to tell him what he's doing and how we're spending our days.  It's also fun (already) to look back and read about what he was doing, when.  I'm sure that'll be the case even more as he gets older.  Anyhow, he turns 6 months today, and I decided to type this letter.  I'll transfer it into his journal when life slows down (or just print it and stick it in).

Dear little Eli,
You are now six months old.  I can't believe it.  It feels as though I just blinked and you changed so much.  I've spent a lot of time this month looking at all your pictures, and it's crazy to see how you have grown.  Your daddy and I love you more and more each day though, and we are not rushing through any stage.  We are savoring every single moment with you, and enjoying each new thing as it comes.

It has been a busy, full month.  Our house has been under contract an we've been working hard to get through all the contingencies, and to get ready to move.  We will miss our place, the first home we lived in as a family of three, but are oh so happy that it has sold, because it means I get to stay home with you.  I can't imagine life any other way.  I know we'll have hard days, but I am elated that we will get to spend them together.  That is worth far more to me than owning our house, or having nicer finishes.  Ten days love bug, ten days.

Early this month, we went to Pawley's Island, SC for a family reunion and your very first beach trip.  Your great aunts and uncles, and your daddy's cousins were all so excited to meet you for the first time.  You charmed them all, the way you melt everyone with your precious blue eyes and sweet sweet smile.  You also got to feel the sand and water over your toes, and go in a pool for the first time, and you loved it.  You are mommy's little fish.  You splash and splash and hate getting out of the water.  You're the same way at home in the bath.  You've been in the big tub with mommy for a while, and you couldn't be happier about it.  You grab for your ducky and the bath book grandma got you, and hit the water gleefully.  Sometimes you seem surprised when it jumps up and covers your face, but you never seem to mind.  I'm looking forward to the summer.  I imagine we'll be in pools a lot.  (You're ready - you were given 6, count them, 6 bathing suits!  Result of being the first grandchild on both sides, I suppose).

The following weekend was Mother's Day, my first "official" one as your mom.  We had such a lovely weekend.  On Saturday we did a 5k for my school, and then we went strawberry picking.  I loved the "Mom" picture you and your daddy made for me, but having you with us was by far the best gift,  ever.

It's been a full month for more than just the things we've done.  You've changed a lot over these last thirty or so days. The biggest change has to do with your mobility.  No, you aren't crawling yet, but you are rolling like crazy.  I often refer to you as my little rolly poley.  If we lay you on your tummy you will roll, and roll, and roll, until something prevents you from going any further.  This means we have to watch you a bit more closely.  You're also rolling over in your crib.  We still put you to sleep on your back, but we find you all sorts of different ways.  Lately, you end up asleep on your tummy.  Sometimes diagonally, sometimes perpendicular to the bed.  You have been putting yourself to sleep more often, which makes us so proud,  You've also been sleeping a bit longer (well, just the past few nights - I probably shouldn't even mentioned it because then you'll just revert back to prove me wrong).  Mommy and Daddy appreciate this, and aren't walking around like the zombies we were when you were doing your 3-4 hour stretches all night.  Let's keep that up!

We still haven't started solids yet, and probably won't for the next two weeks.  The plan is to start after I finish teaching, and after your 6 month appointment, which will put you being about 6 1/2 months old.  I'm so proud of us for making it to the 6 month recommendation for exclusive breastfeeding.  It was sooooo hard on us both at the beginning, but we persevered and it's gone so well since you were about a month old.  I know it's "only" nursing, but perseverance is something I'd like to be better at, and it's something I want to teach you, so it's exciting that we accomplished this together.

Probably the biggest thing that happened this month was this past Sunday when your Daddy and I dedicated you to the Lord.  It was such a special time.  We're trying to remember that you aren't ours.  You never have been and never will be.  You are a precious gift from God, and we are so blessed with the privilege of taking care of you.  I pray that we will be good stewards, that we will raise you well.  I pray that you will be smart, caring, compassionate and friendly - but mostly I pray that you will know the Lord.  I pray that, as your name says, He will be your God.  I pray that you would make a huge impact for his kingdom.  Your Daddy and I want our home to be a place of love, where we teach you his grace.  I hope we'll model that for you.  I'm sure we'll fail, regularly, but we'll try.  It's a huge responsibility being your parents - but it bring us immeasurable joy.

We love you kiddo.  So much.  I look forward to the next month, and every one after that.  Being your mom is my favorite.
Love,
Mommy

A Gift I Can't Repay: Mother's Day Thoughts...

This past Sunday was a very special first for me – the first Mother’s Day where I, too, was celebrated as a mom.  With both my husband and my family living close by, we make a point to see both our families for most holidays.  Knowing it would be a busy weekend, our little family of three celebrated my Mother’s Day on Saturday (with a 5K walk for my school, strawberry picking, a yummy dinner at home and strawberry shortcake).  My son and husband also made me a picture gift (Eli is holding the letters to spell MOM – so precious).  It was a sweet, sweet day I know I’ll always cherish.

Then, on Sunday, we visited both our moms.  We took dinner and gifts for each one, hoping to make their day special and show them our appreciation for years of caring for us and loving us well.  This year, because I am a mom, I was a bit more reflective about the holiday than normal.

I’m a gift-giver – it’s one of my love languages.  Regardless of the holiday, I think long and hard about the gift I will give, and try to imagine the receiver’s response when they open it.  I keep a little section in the back of my planner with ideas.  Whenever I hear someone mention something they need, or would like to have, or something they really like that belongs to someone else, I make a note to refer back to when an occasion comes around (or, even better, for no occasion at all).  It’s how I give and receive love.

Last year I got my mom pearl earrings.  The freshwater pearls were beautifully nested in gold rings, and they were perfect for my mom.  I remember thinking that I’d done it.  I’d gotten her a wonderful gift, one that would adequately show my appreciation and “repay her” for all she had done as my mom.

Oh, how naïve I was!  Though my son is only five months old, he has taught me a great deal about motherhood already.  More than anything else, I’ve learned that being a mom requires a great deal of sacrifice.  My needs and desires are secondary to his.  My time is not my own.  This dear, sweet little boy is completely and utterly dependent on me, and my job is to care for him well.  This means getting up for feedings in the middle of the night, when I’m exhausted.  It means missing a nap because he won’t go down, and reading countless children’s books instead of my own.  It means buying onesies and rompers instead of jeans and dresses, diaper bags instead of purses.  It means he eats before I do (and often heating and reheating food).

When I think of these few sacrifices I’ve made for Eli thus far, I am overwhelmed by all my mother did for me.  She has loved me well, sacrificed tremendously, and met my needs and wants with delight.  Oh, how silly to think that pearl earrings (or any other attempt at gift giving) could repay her.  Also, what a joy to realize that her love for me, shown in these sacrifices, never asked to be repaid.  She didn’t love me well for Mother’s Day – for the gifts she might one day receive.  That’s not how a mother’s heart works. 

I am reminded that it is the same with God.  Because I am a gift-giver, and tend to be very performance-based, I often think that I need to earn God’s love and good gifts.  And, certainly, I should at least try to “repay” him with my own “gifts”.  I tend to think that if I share the gospel, pray and read my Bible enough, act better and give away more money, that I will somehow compensate God for what he’s done for me.  Again, this is silly. 

My gifts to God (or my mom), no matter how good they are, or how well thought out, will never be good enough.   Jesus’ sacrifice was perfect and ultimate – my sacrifices for Eli, even when he is most needy, don’t come close.   God didn’t send his Son to die for us so that we would try to repay him.  He didn’t do it so that we might futily attempt to compensate with prayer, Bible reading or evangelism.  He did out of his loving heart – he considered it his JOY to give of himself for his children.      

This Mother’s Day I was reminded of two things:  to try to imitate God’s sacrificial love to my son, and to be thankful for all He’s done, grateful that I am not required to pay Him back.         

Great is Thy Faithfulness

**This is a post I shared on Cross Moms (www.crossmoms.com)**

Not so long ago, I heard a sermon from Deuteronomy about God telling the people “remember and do not forget”.  The Israelites’ calendar was structured around celebrations, which were times for them to remember God’s goodness and faithfulness in their lives.  This was a necessity, as the Israelites didn’t have the best memory.  God brought plagues on Egypt that brought them out of slavery, he parted the Red Sea so that they could cross, and he provided manna from heaven for them to eat each day.  Still, when Moses was up on the mountain, they decided to make a golden calf to worship.  This used to baffle me.  God had provided for them, repeatedly and abundantly.  Why would they not trust him?   Why would they be so quick to seek another god?

Recently, though, I’ve stopped giving the Israelites such a hard time – because I am just like them.  God has also done great things for me.  His touch and hand on my life is unmistakeable, and yet, sometimes, I forget.  I forget his faithfulness, his goodness and his power.  I need the same reminder as the Israelites: remember and don’t forget.

I’m reminded of this because I recently failed in this area.  Again.  I chose fear instead of faith.  

A little over a year ago, I became convicted that, whenever my husband and I had children, I was supposed to stay at home with them.  This was not an easy decision for me, as I had always planned on having a highly successful career and working outside the home.  However, as I sought God’s plan for my life (and as I realized that I could hardly keep up with everything on my plate even without having children), I realized I was supposed to be at home, focusing on God and my own family first.

With no plans for kids anytime in the near future, I was at peace with this decision.  My husband and I decided that once he finished graduate school, we would try to get things in order for me to be a stay at home mom.  We had a plan.

And then we had a positive pregnancy test.

Although I was so excited about our little one coming, I was also confused.  I felt like God had clearly guided my decision to stay home, and I was convinced that was his will for my life.  But then, it seemed my circumstances wouldn’t allow it.  We owned a home that was appraised for less that we purchased it for just three years ago, and my husband had to go to graduate school, leaving me to provide for our growing family.  I was crushed, defeated and fearful.

However, like he always does, God has provided.  He has been so faithful to my little family.  My husband was granted a full scholarship for graduate school, and a position that pays a small stipend (which is pretty much unheard of in the architecture field).  I was so excited by this news, until we did the math and realized that I would still need to work unless the house sold, which seemed an unlikely prospect given the economy.  But, we put the house on the market anyhow, and it sold – in just two weeks and three days.  I jumped up and down sharing the news with a friend, and I cried in amazement at God’s goodness and provision.  But, when I think about it, that’s really not the proper response.  Yes, I should be grateful, but I shouldn’t be surprised.  1 John 5: 14-15 says, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God:  that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him.”

Why did I doubt?  Why didn’t I have faith and confidence that God would provide as he has so many times before?  When he puts a desire in our heart that is in accordance with his will, he will also make the way for it to happen.  (1 Thessalonians 5:24 “The one who called you is faithful and he will do it.)

I am so thankful for his provision in my life.  I am also determined to choose faith next time, instead of fear.  I want to model that for my son, so that he becomes a child of faith, one who trusts in his great God to keep his promises and to care for him.

An old hymn has been in my head this past week  “Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.”  Indeed.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.  Ephesians 3:20-21.

In need of help, and community

This morning a few friends from church were over with their sweet little children. I was the "odd woman out" - the only mother who is currently working. The other three ladies are all at home and get together each week to talk shop, fellowship and share the joys and struggles on this journey of motherhood. I was a part of the group while on maternity leave, and was excited to be able to participate again this week while on spring break.

We enjoyed the chance to catch up and have a bit of adult interaction before it was time for us to put our kiddos down for naps, meet husbands for lunch or otherwise continue with our days. Before she left one of my friends said, "Hey, I'd love to make you guys a meal sometime soon". I responded quickly and with sincere appreciation, "That'd be wonderful."

Immediately I realized that this response was out of character for me, or at least, it was out of character for "pre-Eli" me. As I've mentioned before, I have learned SO much from having this sweet little boy. My son was not "planned" by the hubs and I (he was a surprise) but he was absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, part of God's plan for our lives. I know that sounds a bit cliche, but it's true. When I think about so many people I know who tried for years to have a child, I know that my "it only takes one time" baby is a miracle, a gift that God knew we needed, even though we were not yet aware.

I certainly believe that God gave us Eli in order to bless us tremendously, but I also know that it was for more than that. It was to grow us, to show us our sin, and to teach us more about Him and his ways. For me specifically, it was to make me less selfish, and to break down my pride.

The "pre-Eli" me would have responded to my friend, "Oh, you don't have to do that, I have it under control." She would have pretended and gone to her grave making everyone think that things were going perfectly with balancing working, being a wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend, trying to keep up with things around the house and attempting to spend time with God each day. She would have bent over backwards to make things seem completely and totally under control, even if they were falling apart around her.

I have learned over the past few years, and especially since having our son, the importance of genuine community. We absolutely were not meant to do this life alone. We need each other tremendously, and we need to be open and honest about our struggles in order to let our friends in and allow them to help carry our burdens. Nothing is gained by pretending to have it all together and carrying the weight alone. The Bible, full of "one another" verses, says "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" Galatians 6:2. I'm thankful that God is (slowly but surely) breaking down my pride and allowing me to live a much fuller life, being genuine and more willing to accept help. I am also thankful for the gift of the "one anothers" in my life - the sweet, life-giving friends who walk beside me and help me as I try to be the wife and mother I'm called to be.

Changed.

My life has turned out to be oh. SO. different than I thought it would be. Seriously. Sometimes I can hardly recognize this person when I compare her to the girl she was "supposed" to be. The girl that started college in the biomedical engineering department thinking that biomedical engineering was a good "back up plan" in case the dream of going to med school fell through. She's doesn't even bare much of a resemblance to the girl who graduated college - with a Bachelors in Religious Studies and a Masters in Elementary Education (and a plan to teach for just a little while before either getting a PhD and teaching Religion at a prestigious university, or maybe becoming a principal of a school). Like the biomedical engineer/doctor, that girl is also no where to be found.

The success-driven, career-valuing girl is gone. She hasn't even left much of a trace, other than a few large diplomas sitting in their frames. That's about all you will find of her.

In her place, there is someone new. Someone who has to run out the door quickly in the morning for fear that, if she doesn't go fast enough, she might decide to not actually leave. Someone who lives for the weekends, or for 3:15 when she gets home to her baby and kisses his face until he giggles and smiles. Someone whose favorite days are spent singing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" or some other silly song, reading countless books to a 4 month old (who, clearly, understands them), and playing the day away. This new person loves taking walks with her baby boy snuggled closely in a carrier, because he feels too far away in the stroller. This mother doesn't care if her attempt at a modern designed home is thwarted by the obnoxious baby items scattered here and there. Or if her mini trip to Charlotte takes SOOOO long to prepare for because she has to pack a million random things, or if it includes hotel room "lights out" at 8:00 and not being able to explore the city because, well, it's baby's bedtime. She doesn't care at all because she is completely and totally in love with her little family of three.

My life may not look glamorous anymore (oh, who am I kidding, it never looked glamorous) but I wouldn't trade it. I am so in love with my husband and son and pick being there with and for them over anything else in this world. Oh how things change.

Day off post

Update on Ollie "Trouble" Mays: yesterday he ate a pacifier. Well, not ate. He did separate the hard plastic part from the part Eli sucks. I got to him before he managed to ingest either piece. Agh. Add it to the list of things Ollie has ruined/ate. (List includes several socks, 3 finger puppets, a comforter, his dog bed and now, a pacifier. Eli's Sophie the giraffe teether has almost been a goner twice, but, luckily, I rescued her from her impending doom.

This has been a crazy, up and down sort of week, as well as a week of firsts. There's no real "theme" or one story to this entry, it's more just a recap and update on what's been going on.

1. Eli has regressed in terms of sleep. He's always been very difficult to get to go to sleep, but would usually sleep pretty well (~6-7hr stretch) once he finally went to sleep at night. He was also taking some good naps during the day. For some reason, starting last Friday, he has been struggling with naps during the day and has gone back to wanting to eat every 2-3 hrs at night. His mother is NOT loving this.

2. We've been trying out cloth diapers since last Saturday and are LOVING them so far. We are pretty sure we are going to make the switch over and do cloth full time! Right now we are working on building our stash and are trying out several kinds. It's been nice to use the disposables we were given, but I'm looking forward to saving some money with the cloth ones. A HUGE thanks to my mom who has gotten us quite a few. Such a blessing!

3. Last night was our first night out, just the two of us. My parents watched Eli and we took advantage of a $50 gift card to Bonefish Grill! So yummy! It felt super weird to leave Eli at first, since I had only left him twice to go to Food Lion (like 2 miles from my house). It was like I had left something at home and I kept looking in the back of the car, which felt so empty without the carseat. Anyhow, once I got over the feeling of leaving something important at home, I really enjoyed the time with JP. It was nice to be able to drive without listening to a crying baby or static on the radio, and it was also great to be able to enjoy a DELICIOUS meal without rocking a carseat, replacing a paci, or worrying about a kiddo needing a diaper change or feeding. We enjoyed dinner, walked around Target, and then got some Sweet Frog. It was a good time. (Though, I was super ready to grab my little baby up and give him tons of kisses when I got home!).

4. Today is a "all to myself" day. For Christmas, JP gave me a pedicure gift card and a homemade coupon for a "day to yourself" to do whatever I want. (Yes, I do have the BEST. HUBS. EVER). I had to use it before returning to work (per coupon guidelines. Also, it has a value of 1/100 of a cent. Yes, JP made it look like a real coupon, lol). Anyhow, so JP took today off so that I could use my coupon. After the aforementioned sleep issues and two VERY fussy days, it's much needed. On the agenda for today: lunch out (with JP, Eli and our adopted Hoos from church - exciting!), pedicure with my momma, shopping (with JP and Eli), time at home to order a few things I need (including cloth diapers/supplies and photos for Eli's baby book/calendar), work on his Shutterfly photo book, do my Jillian Michael's workout for the first time post-baby (kill me now!) and last but not least, SLEEP. For the first time ever we're going to do a bottle in the night time so that I don't have to get up. I'm super excited. I realized though, that as much as I look forward to a little time to do some things on my own, uninterrupted, I really wouldn't rather do much than be with my two very favorite boys in the world. I got up this morning and still wanted to play with my little man for a good long while before starting my "me" time. He is (they are) the best!