When life doesn't go according to my color coded plan...

I'm a planner - type A, organized (mostly), color coded, the whole nine yards. One of my favorite times of the year is when Barnes and Noble sets up their new calendars and planners. As I've shared before, I love fresh starts. Perhaps even more than with a new journal, an unmarked planner epitomizes a new beginning. It also allows me to fill its pages with my plans for the upcoming year. I mark fun events in blue, the regular everyday to-do lists and daily activities in black, deadlines/due dates in red, birthdays in purple - there's quite a system to making sure my life is well organized and goes exactly according to plan. Definite dates are penned in the appropriate color, while others that are not set in stone are written in pencil. I use this system hoping to never miss an engagement, have everything turned in/completed at the appropriate time, and enjoy the bliss of a life that goes the way I want it to, without and glitches or mess-ups.

If only my REAL life would get the message that it's supposed to be as neat and orderly as my color coded planner, all would be well. Somehow though, it doesn't. There's a disconnect between the life I plan and the one I lead. It makes me feel uneasy when I realize I'm not fully in control. Too many things can go wrong. Bad things happen. The only things that are supposed to occur are the ones written neatly into my beautiful blue planner.

Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work like that. No matter how much I try to plan, organize, and make my life go smoothly, it often doesn't work. I think if someone would have told me a month ago how much my life would change in just a few short weeks, I wouldn't have believed them. There have been some difficult days, to say the least - full of change, disappointment, struggles, and heartbreak. In a short amount of time, I feel like my "life plan" has been turned on it's head. I don't quite know how to operate with so many things off track. I haven't been using my planner lately. There doesn't seem to be much point these days - life hasn't been going according to plan anyway.

In the midst of all of this, the one thing I can hold on to, is that God DOESN'T change. He hasn't and He won't. He is the same yesterday, today and for a thousand tomorrows and He won't disappoint or won't break my heart. Right now, I'm not sure what I'd do without that. Today I've been reminded of one of my favorite worship songs. I remember it from my 3rd year of college, when I went through some pretty shaky things. It was a source of comfort then, and it is today.

Refuge:

Your call comes like the morning breeze

You spread Your wings and cover me

Underneath Your shadow

I will hide away

For there I've found my shelter

And there I'd like to stay.

Refuge, You're my refuge

When the world is shaken

And nothing stands

I will hold on to Your hand

Refuge.

I also have been thinking of another new favorite:

Your Hands:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands