Most days, I LOVE being at home with Eli. I've written numerous posts about how I think I have the most wonderful "job" in the whole world and I don't hesitate to share the all the sweet stuff he does on here, or Facebook (or, let's be honest, both). I also try not to post too much of the bad. I *try* not to mention the sleepless nights, or nasty diapers, or clingy/fussy times too much, because I really don't want to complain. I feel genuinely blessed by my son, and I love him dearly. I also think being negative about the challenges tends to shift the attitude of my heart, and I don't want to do that. I want to choose joy, even on difficult days. However, I sometimes feel the need to be real. I have friends who tell me how much they'd love to be home, and how wonderful it would be. (I think my youngest sister is living in a fantasy where I eat bonbons and shop all the time and have a glorious social life. I'll let you know when she wakes up. I sometimes think people hold up staying home as a situation where "the grass is always beautifully green and perfectly cut". I think they do this because that is precisely what I did.
The truth is, staying home (while a blessing, and something I wouldn't trade for the world), is work. It is hard work, and there are difficult days. And today, my friends, is one of them.
Last night, Eli woke up at 2:30am. This was a bit out of character for him, but I was gone at bedtime, so I nursed him about an hour and a half before he went down, which, JP said, wasn't super smooth. I thought maybe that was throwing him off, so I nursed him. Then, he was up again at 4, this time screaming unconsolably until approximately 5:30. JP and I took turns tending to him, let him cry a bit, and tried all we could do to calm him down. Finally, by 6:00, we were all back to sleep.
Then, Eli slept until 10:15. That might sound glorious, except that today was one of just two days we had plans during the day, and I was oh so looking forward to get out of the house. Unfortunately, BSF started at 9:30 - so we missed it. I was grumpy about my lack of sleep and my plans falling through before my feet even hit the floor. And it only got worse.
Eli has been especially difficult about food again lately. I feel like I have been in the kitchen as much as a chef trying to make healthy options for him to eat, but he's been exceptionally picky. This morning I made oatmeal. He wouldn't touch it (just as he wouldn't touch the broccoli or chili I made Monday, or even the yogurt he had yesterday). He spit it out and tried to throw the spoon. All he'd eat was a banana and then he fussed all. morning. long for a snack. Even after he'd been given snacks.
He has a terrible, terrible diaper rash, so changes have been pretty miserable too. (Yep, that's right, so far sleep issues, eating issues, and diaper issues). As I was changing the second poop of the day, he squirmed and wrangled like a worm, causing me to get poop all over my hand. Lovely.
When I thought of my husband, who was able to ride in his car to school, with either the radio on or blissful peace and quiet, I was jealous. When I thought about the fact that he'd showered today, and hadn't spent his time cooking and cleaning, I was envious. When I scarfed down food in between picking up carrots off the floor, and wiping up ejected oatmeal, I struggled.
Being at home with Eli is a blessing. It is one I am incredibly thankful for. There are days where we have so much fun together and with friends I can't believe that I get to do this all the time. And then, there are days like today. I know this seems like a bit of a whining/complaining post, and I suppose, it is. But I don't write it to whine or complain. I write it to be real, and honest, and so that people know I'm not little miss perfect mom (in case anyone was actually under that illusion in the first place). I write it because I sometimes struggle when I think about moms who seem to have it all together, who appear to have perfect, peaceful families - like something out of a book or movie. I write this because, even though I wish no ill-will on anyone, there is something comforting in knowing that we all have days like this - and that's ok.
No matter what our profession, paid or unpaid, we all have good and bad days. Today has been a bad one so far. At least it's in the minority :)
2 comments:
Sounds pretty normal to me! And human on your part. If his rash is having trouble clearing up ask the doc for a prescription for "Geer's Goo". It might be Greer's but anyway it's like a miracle cream and clears it up almost instantaneously. It was developed by a dermatologist at UVA when my kids were little and you get it by prescription only. It's well worth it.
Hey Mary,
I feel your struggles because I am still dealing with Parker's poor eating habits and how now he "knows" what he does and does not want to eat and there is no rationalizing with him! Hang in there and please let me know if you figure out any great tricks! One day Parker loves something and the next he refuses. Getting him to try and like new things is nearly impossible. :)
Also, with bad diaper rash try slathering cream on his bottom, with Vaseline on top before closing his diaper. My doctor said you should have so much that it is still there for the next diaper change. The Vaseline helps the cream stay on his bottom and not get absorbed by his diaper.
Keep in touch because I am right there with you!
Mindy
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