It's good to know I'm not the only one...

A while back I was convicted about reading more from God's word. I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to "camp out" in the New Testament, where things are mostly cheery, and it's incredibly easy to see God as a loving Father. I love reading the gospels and Paul's letters. Although they can definitely be challenging and full of hard life-changing application, they tend to uplift or inspire me. Even the challenges are welcomed. As what I read slowly sinks in, I know it will help me to grow in my faith. I almost always walk away from a NT Bible reading encouraged, convicted or touched in some way.

But, if I'm honest, my tendency is not to view the Old Testament in the same way. Actually, I tend to see much of the OT as being either boring (geneologies - yawwwwn) or, in other cases, just plain weird. That's probably because of the fact that I have a human mind that is incapable of understanding, or because God doesn't give us all the answers, but, regardless, that's my usual view. However, like I said, I've been convicted that God allowed this particular group of books to become scripture for a reason.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."

Anyhow, I've been bouncing back and forth between the Old and New Testament, and after doing a study of David in Women's Bible Study this summer, decided to start in 1 Samuel and plow through 1&2 Samuel, 1&2 Kings. I'll be honest, sometimes David fighting all the "ites" or circumcising people isn't my favorite reading.

But as I read 2 Samuel 6:1-15, a "weird" and less well known story struck me in a new way.

Here's the text - it's worth reading!

The Ark Brought to Jerusalem

¹ David again brought together all the able young men of Israel—thirty thousand. ² He and all his men went to Baalah in Judah to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the Name, the name of the LORD Almighty, who is enthroned between the cherubim on the ark. ³⁴ with the ark of God on it,and Ahio was walking in front of it. ⁵ David and all Israel were celebrating with all their might before the LORD, with castanets, harps, lyres, timbrels, sistrums and cymbals. They set the ark of God on a new cart and brought it from the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, sons of Abinadab, were guiding the new cart

⁶ When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. ⁷ The LORD’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.

⁸ Then David was angry because the LORD’s wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah.

⁹ David was afraid of the LORD that day and said, “How can the ark of the LORD ever come to me?” ¹⁰ He was not willing to take the ark of the LORD to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite. ¹¹ The ark of the LORD remained in the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite for three months, and the LORD blessed him and his entire household.

¹² Now King David was told, “The LORD has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark of God.” So David went to bring up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing. ¹³ When those who were carrying the ark of the LORD had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. ¹⁴ Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the LORD with all his might, ¹⁵ while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

So, it's kind of a weird story. I mean, I definitely struggle with God striking people down and some of the "harder to explain" things that happen in scripture. BUT, what I love about this passage is knowing that I'm not alone! David, a man after God's own heart, struggled too! Verses 8 and 9 show two of David's emotions - he was angry and he was afraid. Then, he was unwilling to take the ark to be with him.

Now, I'm not saying these are good emotions, or that they are the proper or "right" responses to God's actions. However, they are genuine, human reactions to something that God does that is difficult for David to understand. It gives me a TON of comfort and peace to know that I'm not the only one who goes through seasons of being angry, or afraid or God, or unwilling to seek out his presence. A man in scripture who is referred to as being "a man after God's own heart" had the same issues and feelings to work out. And he did. So at least I'm in good company!

I think the other thing this passage taught me, is that, while God can handle our anger and fear, he longs to bring us out of it. Like David did, we must move past these emotions and return to God's presence with rejoicing. I wonder what life would have been like for David if he'd stayed buried in his anger and fear and hadn't reconnected with God. I'm certain the outcome wouldn't have been good.

I'm thankful today that God allows us to deal with our emotions, our fears, our questions and our doubts, but that he also draws us back into fellowship with himself.

2 Samuel 14:14b "he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him."

Beginning of the year blessings

August 16th was one of the hardest days I've faced in some time. After a summer of being off, and focusing on the upcoming reality of motherhood and the little one growing inside me, to say that I didn't want to go back to school is a gross understatement. I was absolutely dreading it, with every fiber of my being. It's really not that I don't love children, or my job. I do. I really really do. But over the past year I have felt so torn over my desires. Being the type A, organized, perfectionist that I am, I like to do all things well. Really well. And I haven't quite figured out how to do that with both my work and home life. It always seems like to be a good teacher, I have to devote so much time, energy and effort, that my home life (marriage, friendships, time with the Lord, etc) suffers. Then, when I feel like I'm doing better in those areas, it usually seems like school isn't going quite the way I want it to. I hate that I can't seem to do either as well as I would like.

This summer I loved being able to focus my energy and attentions on things at home. As the summer began to draw to a close, my third trimester settled in, and with it - an increase in exhaustion. I wondered how in the world I'd be able to handle returning to school - with a combination class of 21 fourth and fifth graders and my waning energy. I couldn't fathom making it through 10+ hr work days, managing a classroom, planning, grading, communicating with parents and surviving all of this as a pregnant lady with a million other things to do. And so, I asked for and coveted the prayers of friends, family and anyone who'd be willing to listen to my woes.

And then, August 16th came, and the subsequent days thereafter. Despite my tears on the 15th, I haven't had any since. Things are busy and quite hectic and there is ALWAYS work to be done, but God has been so faithful. Having a student teacher has been a wonderful blessing - as she's been great company and so helpful with all of the small "beginning of the year" tasks that take SO much time. I'm looking forward to her taking over some of the teaching as well. I know that this is a learning experience for her, but I simultaneously think of her as a part of God's provision for me during such a hard time. I also have a wonderful teaching assistant who is a great support. The year is off to pretty much as good of a start as could be asked for/expected.

And when the wonderful people who have been praying for me ask - I tell them so. After hearing my sob stories from the beginning of the year for the past three years, most of them drop their jaws, give me a confused look, or do a double take when they find out how well things have been going. It's not just them - the words feel strangely funny coming out of my mouth as well. "The beginning year is going wonderfully so far" - is that even English? Definitely not words I'm used to speaking.

And yet - it is going wonderfully. God has answered prayers so abundantly for me and I am grateful. However, like those around me, I'm also surprised, and I shouldn't be. God has promised to be faithful. He's told us in his word that he likes to give good gifts to his children. Why am I surprised when he actually does?

Ephesians 3:20 came to mind. "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever, amen." Why am I surprised when God acts the way his word says he acts?

I was also thinking about this during my quiet time this morning when I was reading in 1 Samuel 23. David inquires of the Lord about whether to go attack the Philistines, and the Lord answers. Then later on in the chapter it says "And again David inquired of the Lord and the Lord answered him." Why do I not wait and trust that God will answer my inquires as he did David?

Oh me of little faith. I am trying to learn to be more confident that God is who he says he is, and he will do what he says he will do. He is so faithful, even when I'm not.

I'm even hormonal in my sleep...

Pregnancy sure is an adventure. In addition to the mid-night trips to the bathroom that lead to musings about Adam Sandler films, there is heartburn, a growing belly, a ridiculous decline in my ability to tolerate heat, and ninja movements happening from my insides. JP and I have been enjoying the ride thus far - though, to make it through to the end he's informed me he may need a parka and a wool hat. Temperatures keep dropping in this house y'all - the current night time setting is either 67 or 68, and sometimes I still wake up hot.

Anyhow, one of the most interesting parts of pregnancy to me is the hormones. I haven't been totally crazy, but I've had my moments. My advice for those who have to cope with and support pregnant ladies is this: whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell a woman "it's just hormones" in the middle of a hormonal episode. That will just increase the problem and lengthen the amount of time it takes for her to return to her normal state. Once she's past the breakdown, she'll realize it for herself (at least, this has been the case for me). It's best to wait until she's confessed her actions to be the result of hormones and then gently agree with her. If you're a bit more daring, you can kindly ask if you think it may be hormone related, long after she's past being emotional. (If she says no, say something like, "oh, ok" and back off the topic, quickly). My dear hubs has learned these tricks of the trade pretty fast and we're surviving the hormones without any damage - just some funny, and blog-worthy stories. Here are some of my favorite occurrences that I am officially blaming on hormones. (See, now, after the fact, I am fully able to laugh at them - at the time these episodes were NOT funny. AT ALL.)

Last week I made a meal and was missing an ingredient. JP told me that it didn't taste the same/as good without it. I burst into tears because to me this translated to "I don't appreciate you or think you do a good enough job cooking".

On my way back from the beach with my family, I got off schedule in my eating. When I was talking to JP on the phone I informed him that this would impact our dinner plans to go to the Blue Ridge Pig for barbeque, since I wouldn't be hungry. He said he was disappointed. Cue tears. I bawled and responded "I can't make anyone happy."

A few weeks ago we were at Sam's Club, shopping for things for the hospitality ministry at our church. I saw something called the "Giggle Wiggle Pregnancy Journal" and thought it would be a great way to record special moments from the pregnancy. I mentioned wanting it to JP and he was like, "really?" (not over the moon giddy like I was). I promptly began to cry, told him it was obvious he didn't care about our baby at all, took the car key and stormed out of Sam's. (Not one of my finer moments, I know). Dear husband went ahead and purchased the journal - he gave it to me after I'd calmed down.

Last night it was 10 something and JP said he was tired. We hadn't had much time for the two of us all day, because his fam had been over for a cookout. I asked if we could play Settlers or do some other fun/interactive activity to spend time together, but he said he was really tired. I was convinced that "I'm tired" was some kind of code for "I don't want to spend time with you" so I cried and then went to sleep. I thought I'd be in a better mood when I woke up - not quite.

I'm hormonal in my sleep too. I know it sounds crazy, but I am. Today I met the hubs for lunch downtown (we ate at the Nook - inside, because that's where the air conditioning is). JP asked me if I remembered talking to him this morning. I didn't, at all. He informed me that I turned over, and said "I blame you". Unsure what I was talking about, he asked "For what?" My reply was a grouchy "EVERYTHING!" and then I turned back over and went to sleep.

Pregnancy sure is a funny thing.

Middle of the night musings: God and an Adam Sandler film

So, I'm a few weeks away from beginning my third trimester. A lot of my friends and family keep remarking on how quickly time has gone by in my pregnancy and how the baby will be here so soon (3 and 1/2 months or so), but to me, it doesn't feel that way. I feel like I've been pregnant forever. All in all, it's been a pretty smooth ride (minus a few small nuisances) and I've mostly been enjoying it.

One of the things that I don't particularly enjoy though, is the frequency of my trips to the restroom. JP and I were watching a movie the other night, and I must have made him pause it 15 times -at least. It gets a bit out of control, and is especially annoying at night when I have to get up and stumble over Ollie, to the point that I'm fully awake. Add to this heartburn, and it's even more frustrating. That was my night last night. Trips to the bathroom, and waking up with heartburn. (As soon as I finish this post I plan to nap in order to make up for lost sleep -I'm sleeping for two y'all).

Well, despite the fact that I haven't known an uninterrupted night's sleep in months, and probably won't again for months or even years, there are occasionally benefits to being awake in the middle of the night, when everything else is quiet, and your mind is sort of doing it's own thing because you aren't in full control of your faculties. Every once in a while I feel like I hear God's voice or learn something about him in the quiet. Last night was such a night for me.

I woke up, nearly fell over the dog, and then cautiously avoided walking into his crate. I made my way to the restroom and back to bed, but, by then I was relatively awake. I laid in bed, mind racing, and what settled in after a few moments was the Adam Sandler movie, Fifty First Dates. I've seen the movie a couple times, but not recently, and my dream had been in no way related to the film. (I'd actually been dreaming that we were all kids and my sisters had done something to make my mom horribly upset and she was blaming me for their actions). Anyhow, my mind just couldn't stop thinking about that movie, and I had no idea why.

Then, I felt like God spoke to me, about how he's like Adam Sandler's character (Henry) in that movie. No, I don't think God is much like Adam Sandler, and I'm not being heretical - just hear me out.

So in Fifty First Dates Henry falls in love with Lucy, who suffers from brain damage and short term memory loss. When she goes to bed each night, she forgets everything from the day before. After a humorous pursuit of Lucy and her affections, the two fall in love, but have this obstacle to overcome - Lucy doesn't remember her boyfriend the next morning. Henry must remind his love who he is, and cause her to fall in love with him anew each day. It's a sweet story and a pretty cute movie - I think it's been a date night film for the hubs and I twice over the course of our nearly 10 year old relationship.

At any rate, I think God is lot like Henry with me. As I spend time with Him, He teaches me things. I learn from Him and our relationship grows. He teaches me lessons about who I am and about who He is. He shows me his ways and his plans and purposes for my life. Sometimes this is through scripture, sometimes through the words of others, and sometime through prayer. I record what I learn in a special journal I keep, and, sometimes, here. And then, it happens.

Like Lucy, I have memory problems. I don't "actually" lose my memory, there's nothing a doctor could diagnose, but still, I have notable issues remembering what the Lord has done for me. Like Lucy, I go to sleep (or to work, or back to old habits) and I forget. I can't remember the things I once knew to be true and all the lessons God has taught me. I forget what He's said about who He is, or who I am, or some other teaching he's given. It's not really that I can't remember them, it's more that the things that seemed as if they had "sunk in" have somehow "come out" and I have to relearn the same lessons and truths time and time again.

In the film, Lucy gets frustrated with herself sometimes, because she knows she's supposed to remember Henry, but she doesn't. That's often how I feel. Hebrews 5:12 comes to mind, "In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God all over again. You need milk, not solid food."

Still, Lucy has Henry, a man who is in love with her enough that he is willing to teach her, again, every single day, who she is. He makes her fall in love with him again, every. single. day. I think God is a lot like that with me. Despite how many times I've forgotten who I am in Christ, forgotten what He's done for me (in terms of the cross, and more specific, personal things in my individual life) and forgotten the things I had once learned, He's always willing to teach me again. He takes me just as I am, right where I'm at, and reminds me of these things. Then he helps restore our relationship again. I think God's love for His children is a lot like the committed, patient love of Henry Roth in Fifty First Dates. He is willing to teach, pursue, and call back his bride time and time again, even though she may forget Him.

And that my friends, is what I was thinking about at some ridiculous hour last night/this morning - about God and Adam Sandler's movie Fifty First Dates.

On teaching, and Draco Malfoy

Less than a month left of summer and then school begins. I've been thinking a lot the past few days about the kids who will be in my class this year - what their personalities will be like, what needs will they have (academic and otherwise) and how they will interact with one another (and with me). I've wondered which children I'll immediately click and form strong bonds with, which ones will require lots of time, love and work before opening up and trusting me, and, which ones I might not be able to reach. I've thought about this even more since JP and I saw Harry Potter last night....

I will refrain from posting a full review of the film. It was definitely good, very action packed, but not my favorite of the eight. I had trouble with some of the changes they made from the book (I almost always do), especially the fact that they left out Harry's struggle with Dumbledore - his wondering about the past and what he really knew of the man. I had just finished re-reading the book, and it bothered me that this major theme was missing from the movie. Anyhow, I digress.

JP and I spent a while processing the movie (Sydney Moulton - I'm still happy to have our process the film phone call, even if it is a bit after the fact). We talked about this last movie, and then about the Harry Potter story in general, Rowling's writing style, and her ability to bring to life richly-developed characters.

We talked about the characters we loved (Dobby, Hermione, Snape and Neville, among others) and the ones we despised (Bellatrix LaStrange - oh how much I loved when Molly Weasley took her out). Our thoughts about the characters were largely the same, both of us feeling the way Rowling probably wanted the reader to feel. However, on one character, we disagreed.

JP strongly dislikes Draco Malfoy and his punk-self while I struggle with him as a character, especially in this movie. Draco's life is unfortunate in many ways. He grows up indoctrinated by his mother and father, brought up to believe the "racist" lie that purebloods have some sort of superior status. He's a "bad" kid, constantly picking on the good guys and bringing them trouble. However, he's not ALL bad.

Despite his upbringing, Slytherin ways, and his evil pride, in Half Blood Prince, Draco struggles to fulfill Voldemort's orders to kill Dumbledore. He just can't do it. In Deathly Hallows, he won't tell Bellatrix that it's truly Harry who has been brought in by the snatchers, and he struggles to fight Harry in the Room of Requirement. I think that he's struggling against his desire to do good, to be on the same side as Harry and the role he's created for himself. Draco has gone a long ways down the path he's taken - he's a Death Eater, the son of Lucius and Narissa Malfoy, and he's filled the "bad kid" role for so long. But it's clear to me that, at least in part, that isn't who he wants to be. He just struggles to break out of that mold he's been in for so long.

And that, my friends, is the prototype of my favorite students to teach. I love to work with kids who are a bit "rough around the edges". The ones that have almost made it up in their minds that they are not-good students and so they try to act like poor students, but you can tell that really, deep down, they'd love to succeed. Or the ones that are the trouble makers. They've been the problem child for so long that it's almost a part of their DNA, and they act like they enjoy that role, but you can tell, really, they'd love to break free from those chains. I love teaching those kids. I love trying to help them see the sparks of goodness underneath the layers of disappointment, failure, and struggle, and helping them "take off" those layers, until they find the person they want to become. It's one of the reasons I enjoy teaching upper elementary so much - those layers can still come off, they haven't solidified. Kids have the opportunity to stop being the "Death Eater" or the "bad guy" and become their best selves. And oh, how I love to help them make that transition.

I had a student once who was much like this. He was smart, and a great kid, who had been hardened by many circumstances in his life. He constantly got into trouble, and was rude to the other students, and especially to me. He made me cry on numerous occasions, both from his harsh words, and my frustration with him not living out his potential. It took nearly two years of hard work, showing him his successes, pointing out his goodness, and showing him love for him before he finally opened up, and trusted me enough to try to change. It was hard for him to attempt to alter his identity, knowing that he would sometimes fall into old habits and need to pick himself back up and try again. But this student made tremendous improvements, ended up receiving a "most improved student" award, got perfect scores on his standardized tests, is in honors classes in middle school, and gave me a hug, as we both shed tears, on his last day of elementary school. Oh what a sweet day that was!

All teachers love having Hermiones. Students who succeed, love learning and want to be pushed to greater heights academically. However, if Draco Malfoy was a rising 5th grader - I'd want him to be in my class too.

Forgetting what is behind

Am I the only one who has an uncanny ability to focus on all that is wrong in (my) life? When asked the quick "glass half full or half empty?" question, I almost always say "half-full". But, in all honesty, that usually just applies to the glass. With respect to my own life, if I'm honest, I must admit that I am a bit of a pessimist. I'm great at beating myself up over past (and current) mistakes and worrying about the future.

As a Christian, I believe it's important to understand one's own depravity and sinfulness. Just as those who aren't sick don't need a doctor, if people weren't sinful, we'd have no need for a savior, and Christ wouldn't have needed to come. So, in order to understand the absolute necessity of Christ, we must have a proper view of the mess we're in and our inability to pull ourselves out of it. After God gives us grace and wisdom to grasp our fallenness and need for Him, we can genuinely repent and begin to understand the greatness of his gift to us in the cross. In my head, I understand all of this to be true. It's the foundation of the Gospel.

However, as I've written before, I have a really hard time getting past focusing on myself. I probably have as thorough an understanding of my depravity and sinfulness as anyone on the planet. I am a mess and I make mistakes on a regular basis, often the same ones over and over, despite my greatest attempts and desires not to. Though I wish I weren't, I am often selfish, prideful, inconsiderate, and too worried about what other's think of me. While all that sounds pretty depressing, I have confidence that, like I said, this understanding can and should direct me to a thankful heart for what Christ has done for me and a need for dependence on him.

Instead, though, I tend to get stuck in ruts. I either focus on past or current failures, and I convince myself that God will be near, in a fruitful relationship with me when (and only when) I get everything figured out and I pull myself together. However, I know in my head that's a lie. He might be directing me to fix things and he certainly will convict me in areas where conviction in needed, but he doesn't want me to stop and dwell on all my problems and forget that he is the solution.

This morning, in my quiet time, I stumbled over this verse, which I've read many times, but it hit me in a new way and it was just the encouragement I needed.

Philippians 3:12-14 "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I am praying today that God would (daily) help me to forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead. If Paul wasn't made perfect, maybe I (we) don't have to be either. We certainly don't have to (and aren't able to) work everything out ourselves.

Knock knock... who's there??

First, I want to thank those of you who have written me emails, sent facebook messages, or talked to me in person about my last blog entry. I appreciate both the kind words and support I have received, as well as the knowledge that my last post touched some who read it. I love writing, am often touched by reading others' words, and was encouraged to know that what I wrote impacted some people in different ways.

Second, I'd love to know - who has been reading this thing? I've gotten between 50 and 60 unique pageviews on the last two entries, which really excites me, but other than those of you who have messaged me, I have no idea who's reading.

Last Friday night I was informed of a blog reader I had no idea I had. She talked about how some of the posts had really touched her, and it made my night. When I told her I had no idea she was reading, she mentioned wanting to comment, but worrying that I'd think it was weird that she reads. I definitely don't. The link is posted on gmail and facebook, so I'm obviously not keeping it a secret. I got a similar email yesterday, from someone who had been encouraged by the blog, who I was shocked even looked at this thing.

So, if you're reading, welcome, I'm glad you're here. Let me know who you are in the comments.