It's not about me

This weekend has been a wonderful, encouraging, and refreshing time for my soul. Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship at the University of Virginia held several events to celebrate its tenth birthday. In 10 years God has greatly grown and used this ministry to minister to college students from around the world, and I am beyond grateful to have been a part of this group. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without God's intervention through this group, and I don't want to. Through XA, I learned what true community and friendship means and how seek after and live for Christ. During this time my faith grew strong.

At my church I am being discipled by Christine Hoover (she writes a very encouraging blog, you should check it out). Bright and early last Tuesday morning, she asked me whether I thought I'd grown in my faith over the past year, if so, how, and if not, what was inhibiting that process from taking place. I feel like this year has been hard, but good, and that I'm on a three steps forward, two steps back sort of pace in terms of growth. This weekend, I've thought a lot more about why.

Last night Pete spoke from Deuteronomy about God telling the people to remember and not forget. The Israelites' calendar was structured around celebrations that were times for them to remember God's goodness and faithfulness in their lives. This was a necessity, as the Israelites didn't have the best memory. God brought plagues on Egypt that brought them out of slavery, he parted the Red Sea so that they could cross, and he provided manna from heaven for them to eat each day. Still, when Moses was up on the mountain, they decided to make a golden calf to worship. I mean really, how dense could they be? The embarrassing truth is, about as dense as we are. God has done great things for me. His touch and hand on my life is unmistakeable, and yet, sometimes I forget. I forget his faithfulness, his goodness and his power. I need the same reminder as the Israelites: remember and don't forget.

More than that though, I've realized that I need to remember more about who God is and what he's done, and less about my sin and shame. Getting to a place where you realize your brokenness and need for God is a good thing. It's only when you realize that you're sick that you know you need a doctor. But God doesn't intend for you to stay there. He wants you to see the state you're in so you can call on Him to pull you out of it. Through that, he receives glory and is able to redeem and restore what was broken into something new. Then, the focus shifts. It's no longer about you and your sin, but about Him and his goodness, grace and mercy.

I struggle with that. I've got the doctrine of total depravity down to an art, but that's where it stops. I tend to get so focused on me and what a mess I am, that I miss the good news of God. We were singing a worship song with the following lyrics and I realized something profound:

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

Should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace.

What I focus on is not that God's mercy remains in spite of my failures. I don't live with joy that I'm caught in God's grace when I sin. Instead, I think of the first line of that song as a sentence with a period: A thousand times I've failed - the end. I feel like God has been showing me this weekend that, praise Him, that's NOT the end. That's not even the most important part. The most important part is that God loves me, and has mercy and grace for me.

I am so grateful, and I pray that this would sink in and take root in my life. I think it's the soil I've been needing for growth.