is the first word that comes to mind when I think about this past week. The second (and third I guess) is "emotional rollercoaster". I'm going to be vulnerable here, partly because I value openness and appreciate knowing that others don't have it all together all of the time, and partly because I need to in order to process and just "get it out".
I knew this week would be busy: with CAI (an in-county teacher institute Tuesday through Thursday), and my little sister's wedding festivities (complete with a bachelorette party I was co-throwing and hosting at my house), it was sure to be hectic. But I had no idea how emotionally trying the week would be.
On Monday evening, I found out some terrible news. A dear, sweet boy, Mason Thomas, who was a student in my class this past year, and who I taught in summer school prior to that, had passed away after a long battle with cancer. I was heartbroken for his mother, who is one of the strongest most selfless people I have ever met. I was also torn up for his friends, my dear little children, who had known Mason since they were in preschool and had helped raise money, walked in his honor at Relay for Life, and been there throughout his six year fight against cancer. Finally, I was saddened for myself. I remembered him entering my classroom last summer, with a bright smile, full of life. I thought about him playing with the other kids, exhibiting strong abilities in math, and just being a "normal" kid. Then I reflected on the last two times I spent with Mason - about an hour at his house, just the two of us, and at our 5th grade "Stepping Up" ceremony on the last day of school. Even though I knew things did not look good, I think, like my students, I was focused on the fact that Mason always got better. He always came back. And this time, he wasn't going to.
Going to work the next few days was so hard. As we prepared for a new school year, and a new classroom of students, all I could think about was the one who wouldn't be there. The one who wouldn't benefit from the work we were doing. My Myers Briggs personality type is "Guardian" and, under the heading, specifically, "Protector". Much more than focusing on academics, I like to care for my students, especially emotionally and socially. I love it when my words of "wisdom" are able to help children make better choices, or somehow, some experience is able to improve their situation in a small way. And it hurts me to know that I couldn't protect this precious child from cancer. I couldn't protect him or his family from the hurt or pain.
As the week went on, my attentions were divided. I worked on writing a short paragraph about Mason for a program that was beautifully put together. I also put together a matron of honor speech for my little sister's wedding. I worked on arrangements for a gathering at my school, calling parents to inform them of the details and check in on their children, and I also worked out last minute details for a bachelorette party that took place on Thursday. Friday I attended a wedding rehearsal and a visitation for my student; Saturday I was honored to be asked to attend a private funeral to say farewell to Mason, and then had my sister's wedding shortly after.
I can't remember the last time I've had so many ups and downs and such emotionally trying times so close together. On Friday, in addition to all of the other stresses, I went to pick up my altered dress, and it didn't fit. Monday, it was way too big, because it had to be ordered large due to me being pregnant. The lady doing the alterations took it in, and it was suddenly way too small, so she had to let it out again. Stress. At noon, two hours before the funeral on Saturday, I was getting my hair done for the wedding. When the stylist asked "What do you want done?" my response was "Well, I'd like to have it half up half down, but my sister, the bride, says all up or side ponytail. The wedding isn't until 6pm, but I have a funeral to go to before that for a former student. I need it to last over 6 hours without falling down, and I need as much hair as possible to cover my shoulder/top of chest because it's an area I feel self conscious about, as I'm the biggest of the bridesmaids." She said something about that being a lot to go through at one time, and I added - "did I mention I'm 19 weeks pregnant?".
She was right, it has been a lot. In less than a week I have had major breakdowns about all sorts of things - from the incredibly serious, to the superficial. I've cried about:
- being the largest, palest bridesmaid in the wedding
- the drama with my dress, and the way it fit
- my little sister getting married, and all the changes that go along with that
- getting to spend very little time with her the whole wedding weekend, because of how busy she was, and never having any special sister time
- things not going the way I'd planned
- two words: Butterfly Kisses (Father/Daughter dance)
- Mason's passing
- seeing Kelley's love for her son, and how selfless she's been, and thinking I won't be nearly as good of a mother
- thinking about our unborn child getting married and leaving us one day (yes, I realize that hormones are definitely playing their role)
- thinking about having to say goodbye to our child at such a young age
It's been crazy, and I still haven't pulled myself out of it. Last Sunday, on Father's day, we were in Nelson celebrating my dad and JP's. Him being a "father-to-be" I had wanted to do something little to celebrate him, but the thing I planned needed to be done here in Cville, on a weekend morning, when there wasn't so much going on. This morning I practically woke up in tears, not knowing why. I pulled myself together, showered, dressed and was brushing my teeth ten minutes before church when it hit me - I had planned to surprise JP with said-celebration this morning. FAIL. I burst into tears and cried uncontrollably for the next 15 minutes, eyes red, missing church. It was been that kind of a week.
Pretty much all I've got, other than that, is a thankful heart for a God of comfort who hears my prayers and cares about my heartaches (however BIG or small) and for a husband who is God's good and perfect gift to me, who is there for me through all of this.
