Open letter to pregnancy

Dear Pregnancy,

You are a strange and mysterious one and I just can't understand you. When I found out you were coming for a nine month visit, I expected you'd bring a few unwelcome guests with you - and I was correct in my assumption. In addition to taking up residence in my uterus to grow a baby, you also found in necessary to invite nausea to reside in my stomach, pain to dwell in my head, and exhaustion to rule and reign in every inch of my body. However, you didn't stop there. You've confused my taste buds, burned my heart, made me itch from head to toe, nearly killed my poor bladder, and probably driven my poor husband insane.

Wait, you say, how do I know all of that is your fault? Well, in truth, I don't. Still, I've taken to believing that any and every weird or unpleasant thing that happens to me between now and November is a result of your presence in my life. Last week, I had heartburn that made me retrace what I'd eaten to see if something could have triggered a heart attack. Web MD: heartburn is a common effect of pregnancy. The 25+ lbs of tomatoes I've eaten since you came to visit = a craving that has cost nearly $100. Not to mention all the things you require me (or JP) to go out and fetch you. I mean, really. We have a full pantry and fridge, do you REALLY need us to go out and get curly fries from Arby's and a Jr. Bacon Cheese burger from Wendy's because you just can't eat anything else? And do you really have to throw a temper tantrum for chips and queso after Guad has already closed? I mean, come on pregnancy. What else do you want??

I am writing to ask that you and your little friends cool it for a while. You've done enough damage and taken enough toll on our household. You're welcome (and invited) to stay from now until November, but please be a little more kind.

Sincerely,

A pregnant woman and her husband

P.S. I have no idea if all the itching really is your fault or not, but have no other suspects at this time.

P.P.S. I do appreciate that you when you leave us this fall you'll be giving us the gift of a little one in return for your stay. He or she is definitely worth all this trouble.

Book Review - Radical Together

After reading Radical a while back, I gained an immense respect for David Platt. Much like Francis Chan, whose books and sermons I also really enjoy, Platt is a Christian who practices what he preaches and calls believers to a life-changing, out-of-your-comfort zone sort of faith. When I found out he'd written a new book, Radical Together, I was excited to get my hands on a copy.

Radical Together focuses on believers in the church living lives that are dramatically different because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. In the first chapter, he lays the foundation for the book, by explaining a not-so-novel principle: good can often be enemy of great. He explores how this is true in the the church. We have plenty of programs that, in themselves, are not bad, and, certainly are not sinful. There are activities and events for children and adults of all ages, niceties and conveniences in our buildings, and plenty of things to add to the ever growing to-do this. However, Platt calls his readers, as he called his own church, to examine these carefully to determine whether they are God's best. He tells the story of his church spending their $500,000 savings fund to meet physical and spiritual needs of people in India. This goes a much longer way in accomplishing God's plans than building a larger foyer in the front of an already expansive church building. He calls individuals and churches to regularly examine their lives to determine whether "good" things we're doing/spending money on, are stealing from the great. This was a foundational chapter in the book that was also very convicting for me personally.

I also greatly enjoyed the second chapter, where he explains that the "Gospel saves us from work to work". While at first this seems to be a contradiction, it isn't, The Bible is quite clear that it is by grace alone through faith alone that someone is saved. Salvation is all about grace and not one bit about our legalistic attempts. However, scripture also states that faith without works is dead. I was moved by stories, in this chapter and throughout the book, of everyday people living their lives to live God-honoring lives and love people well. Platt told a story of a couple who had been planning to buy a bigger home, that felt led to buy a smaller home and adopt children with the money. He told of parents who had adopted children with special needs, and those who had fostered children, or given radically for the sake of others. All of these people are "average Joes" whose lives have been transformed by the Gospel. They are saved from their own efforts to work for their salvation, and are saved to do the work of Christ.

The other chapters he explains how God uses imperfect people to accomplish his purposes, and how he uses his Word and the plans outlined in it, we only have to be obedient. It is a convicting book, an easy read time-wise, and I did appreciate how he suggested that believers come together as a body to accomplish the purposes God has for his church. However, my one criticism of the book is that I felt in many ways like a was reading Radical for a second time. Although I could certainly use the reminders, I felt it would have been equally beneficial to reread the first text. There were some new stories and applications for a group of believers desiring to walk through a radical life together, but, in general, I felt that the two works were too similar.

I received this book for free from Walterbrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.

From office to nursery - becoming a parent

This morning I got up a bit early to do some reading before meeting Christine and Hannah for discipleship. JP was fast asleep, and, not wanting to wake him, I put on my warm white robe and made my way into the office with my book. I curled up in the papasan chair JP bought me last Christmas and, before I got to the first page, it hit me: This room will only be an office for a couple more months. Soon, it will be a nursery. The desk, bookshelf and chair will migrate into the guest room, and then the office will be painted, furnished and graced with this adorableness. It will change from being a room I rarely frequent (other than when the hubs is working on grad school applications for hours and hours for days and days and I sit in the chair and read just to be near him) to one where I spend a good deal of my time. It's where I'll put my child to sleep and where I'll feed, change and dress him/her. I'll look forward to going into the room in the morning to greet my sleeping beauty, and probably even more to putting him or her to bed at night after a long day. It's crazy how much this room and it's function is going to change.

And the room is a symbol of my life. As I thought about how the office, with it's bookshelf full of collegiate texts, and brown walls adorned with sophisticated UVA prints and diplomas in their frames, would soon be transformed into a room with cartoon owls and cute little baby things, I realized that it isn't just the room that's going to look different come November. My life, in much the same way, is about to be remodeled. I currently work 7:30-5(ish), have a variety of afternoon activities, and relish the opportunity to sleep whenever possible (hey, it's fair, I'm growing a baby). In addition, my free time, however little there may be, is just that: MY. FREE. TIME. It won't be like that too much longer. I'll be responsible for taking care of another life and all that entails.

A lot of the time, I don't think about it. I'm 13 and 1/2 weeks pregnant, and, for the most part, things haven't changed much. I don't look much different and haven't had to buy maternity clothes yet (though my jeans are a bit more snug than I prefer), the morning sickness and insane nausea of the 1st trimester seem to have subsided for a while (praise the Lord!), and I've told almost everyone at this point (minus the Facebook reveal, which will probably occur later this week). Also, we're a ways away from actually working on the nursery, registering, or any other milestone plans. I tend to forget that I'm carrying a baby inside me.

And then, out of the blue, it hits. Like yesterday when we heard the heartbeat for the second time and it was strong, fast and crystal clear. Or today, reading in the office. It blows my mind that I'm responsible for this life - for raising it and helping it grow and mature, in addition to taking care of basic needs. Most of the time, I get really excited. Even though our sweet little baby was unplanned, he or she is already incredibly loved and I'm so excited about his/her arrival in November. Still, other times, I get scared - what if I'm not good at being a parent? What if I mess up? What if it's all just too much and I'm not ready and I fail?

I think back to the office. It isn't a nursery now, nor, despite my nesting wishes, will it become one overnight. We'll go through our belongings, pack things into boxes and move what stays into the guest room. Then my dearest hubs will paint the room a different color. We'll order furniture that will have to be assembled and put into place. Finally, we'll add decor and personal touches to the room. It's not an immediate transformation, but a process. And so, I tell myself, will it be with me. I won't figure it all out overnight, or even within months or years of having my baby. I don't know that parents ever completely "figure it out". But just like with decorating, I am very VERY excited about the process - even if it's a little daunting.

It's not about me

This weekend has been a wonderful, encouraging, and refreshing time for my soul. Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship at the University of Virginia held several events to celebrate its tenth birthday. In 10 years God has greatly grown and used this ministry to minister to college students from around the world, and I am beyond grateful to have been a part of this group. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without God's intervention through this group, and I don't want to. Through XA, I learned what true community and friendship means and how seek after and live for Christ. During this time my faith grew strong.

At my church I am being discipled by Christine Hoover (she writes a very encouraging blog, you should check it out). Bright and early last Tuesday morning, she asked me whether I thought I'd grown in my faith over the past year, if so, how, and if not, what was inhibiting that process from taking place. I feel like this year has been hard, but good, and that I'm on a three steps forward, two steps back sort of pace in terms of growth. This weekend, I've thought a lot more about why.

Last night Pete spoke from Deuteronomy about God telling the people to remember and not forget. The Israelites' calendar was structured around celebrations that were times for them to remember God's goodness and faithfulness in their lives. This was a necessity, as the Israelites didn't have the best memory. God brought plagues on Egypt that brought them out of slavery, he parted the Red Sea so that they could cross, and he provided manna from heaven for them to eat each day. Still, when Moses was up on the mountain, they decided to make a golden calf to worship. I mean really, how dense could they be? The embarrassing truth is, about as dense as we are. God has done great things for me. His touch and hand on my life is unmistakeable, and yet, sometimes I forget. I forget his faithfulness, his goodness and his power. I need the same reminder as the Israelites: remember and don't forget.

More than that though, I've realized that I need to remember more about who God is and what he's done, and less about my sin and shame. Getting to a place where you realize your brokenness and need for God is a good thing. It's only when you realize that you're sick that you know you need a doctor. But God doesn't intend for you to stay there. He wants you to see the state you're in so you can call on Him to pull you out of it. Through that, he receives glory and is able to redeem and restore what was broken into something new. Then, the focus shifts. It's no longer about you and your sin, but about Him and his goodness, grace and mercy.

I struggle with that. I've got the doctrine of total depravity down to an art, but that's where it stops. I tend to get so focused on me and what a mess I am, that I miss the good news of God. We were singing a worship song with the following lyrics and I realized something profound:

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

Should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace.

What I focus on is not that God's mercy remains in spite of my failures. I don't live with joy that I'm caught in God's grace when I sin. Instead, I think of the first line of that song as a sentence with a period: A thousand times I've failed - the end. I feel like God has been showing me this weekend that, praise Him, that's NOT the end. That's not even the most important part. The most important part is that God loves me, and has mercy and grace for me.

I am so grateful, and I pray that this would sink in and take root in my life. I think it's the soil I've been needing for growth.

Time

I've mentioned the fact that I often feel like I am cleverly disguised as an adult. I teach twenty four 10-12 year olds, and sometimes have more in common with them than I should care to admit. However, lately I've considered that I just might be growing up. In fact, twice in the past four days, I've felt very "old".

I started thinking about it this weekend. On Saturday morning JP and I were awake before 8am - without an alarm. We had no pressing plans, no reason to be awake, and yet, we were - without the ability to fall back asleep no less. This has been a gradual process that is, honestly, a bit unnerving. Traditionally, I am a marathon sleeper. I can easily be out for 10-12 hours like it's my job. In college, it was nothing for me to wake up well past noon, sometimes long after breakfast had stopped being served. Even since I've started teaching and have to be up at 6:30 Monday through Thursday, I've reveled in the joy of staying in bed, under the covers, sleeping as late as I want on Saturday mornings. Not anymore. To top it off, on Sunday, I was up before the alarm again, read for a while, and then vacuumed, dusted and cleaned the bathroom, all before going to church. Who is this person??

Well, if that wasn't enough, today I've been thinking about time. Time is a very precious thing. (See - didn't that just sound like a 60 year old thing to say??). I don't think I've ever appreciated time as much as I do now, mostly because right now I don't have much of it at my disposal. My job takes a LOT out of me. Between the planning, grading, teaching, communicating with parents, teachers and the administration, and attending meetings, it's pretty overwhelming. Even on days I do have "time" to myself at the end of a day (few and far between) I rarely have the energy to do much with it.

This year I've thought a lot about time - about how I spend mine, and how I want to spend it. This is my third year of teaching, and every year I've struggled and prayed and struggled and prayed about balance. My first two years of working, I wanted to be a super-golden-apple-winning-life-changing teacher. I poured my whole self - my time, my energy, all my attention, into my job. While this doesn't sound "bad", my life suffered. I didn't prioritize time with God, my marriage, or close friendships and the lack of balance greatly affected my ability to be successful in these other areas of my life, and in my job was well. Don't get me wrong, I still want to make a difference in my work. I want to develop positive relationships with my students be a role model for them, and shine the light of Jesus in the darkness that some of them face. I want to help them become better readers, writers, mathematicians, and, mostly, better people. I've learned though that this can't be my chief end and I can't give it ALL of my time.

The Bible talks about the inability of man to serve two masters. In the illustration, Jesus is talking about God and money, but I think it works for many situations. I can't simultaneously focus on my family and my job. To focus means that ones eyes and attention is fixed on one thing - not two or three or four. I've learned that teaching demands so much, and, frankly it's more than I can, or am willing to give.

When I think about how I'd like to spend my time, here are the things that immediately come to mind:

- time in the Word and time spent in prayer

- serving and loving my husband (making dinner, keeping a lovely home, spending quality time with him with ENERGY to enjoy it)

- spending time with our little one (Yes, we're pregnant! Baby is coming in November and I can't wait to read to it, play with it and love it with everything I've got)

- spending time with friends and family

- reading (for fun and to learn)

- writing (a student asked me the other day what I'd do if I wasn't a teacher and I answered that I'd LOVE to write)

- serving in roles that use my talents and help others

I used to feel guilty for wanting to do something other than my job. I have often struggled to believe that I "deserve" good things, or that it's "ok" to want things that make me happy. But lately I've been reminded that I am the way I am for a reason. The desires of my heart and my talents are ones that God put there. My longings to do things other than my job aren't wrong or selfish at all. They reflect me and who I am, and that's alright.

In my "old age" I want to treasure my time, and use it wisely. I don't want to look back on life with regrets of what I could or should have done and how I spent my time on all the wrong things.