Cleverly disguised as an adult...

JP and I frequently joke that I am "cleverly disguised as an adult" and, it's pretty true. I get along well with my ten year olds. I enjoy playing with them at recess, acting silly, making jokes and generally not taking things too seriously. At a recently held school Valentine's Day dance, I was the only teacher in attendance, and certainly the only adult doing ballet around the room to a slow song (Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift) with students - never mind the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to correctly perform any ballet dance move.

While it's fun to goof around act like a little kid sometimes, there are certainly child-like qualities that one would prefer not to possess as a "grown-up" who is 24 years of age. I must admit that I have a little more in common with my students than I usually care to discuss.

Last Friday we took a practice test for the looming writing SOL test. The kids spent the day responding to a prompt in the form of an organized five paragraph essay. After over an hour of time, one sweet little boy had not begun. When another teacher talked to him about getting started his response was solemn, "I'm not going to pass the writing test anyway. There's no point in trying." Of course, we explained to him that he's a competent student, fully capable of passing the test next week. He struggled to believe this truth about himself, and to actually put forth any effort. I was initially frustrated with him, as, he really is able to pass and then, I became saddened by his low self esteem. After a while, I was humbled, to realize that this is just another way I am exactly like my students.

When I was younger, I loved to sing. I was in my church choir, school musicals, even show choir. (Yes, I did wear a sparkly silver dress as I danced around a stage to show tunes). I also loved acting. I took beginning drama through advanced in high school, and competed in district, regional and state competitions with a One-Act play entitled Blues. I played three roles, a New York employment worker (accent and all :D), a mentally disabled homeless woman, and a poor single mother in a rat infested apartment. I loved acting, just as I loved singing.

When I started college at UVA, something happened. I went to an interest meeting for FYP (First Year Players, a musical group on grounds). I wanted so desperately to be in another play, to be on a stage acting, portraying another character. I looked for a monologue, and practiced a song from a high school musical, but I never tried out. I also went to a meeting for an acapella group, but never auditioned. I was convinced that in a place like UVA, a school composed of students from such high achieving backgrounds, that someone like me - a country girl from Nelson County, VA would never be cast in a play, or make it in an a capella group. Like my student, I gave up before I even started.

I wish I could say that I was older and wiser now, but I'm not. I continue to be afraid to take risks, to go after things I want. I'm so desperately afraid of failing, that I don't even make an attempt at success. I do this with friendships, my career and my Christian life. I worry that someone won't like me once they get to know me, so I become withdrawn and don't put myself out there. I am afraid I might be rejected if I pursue a career shift, or new opportunity. I also get so worried about making a wrong decision and disappointing God that I end up in a sort of paralysis and can't move forward.

Again, I ask, why is it so difficult for me to believe for myself the truths I share with my students? How do they come out of my mouth so easily, but have so much trouble sinking into the depths of my soul? When will I "grow up" and learn these elementary lessons?