From office to nursery - becoming a parent

This morning I got up a bit early to do some reading before meeting Christine and Hannah for discipleship. JP was fast asleep, and, not wanting to wake him, I put on my warm white robe and made my way into the office with my book. I curled up in the papasan chair JP bought me last Christmas and, before I got to the first page, it hit me: This room will only be an office for a couple more months. Soon, it will be a nursery. The desk, bookshelf and chair will migrate into the guest room, and then the office will be painted, furnished and graced with this adorableness. It will change from being a room I rarely frequent (other than when the hubs is working on grad school applications for hours and hours for days and days and I sit in the chair and read just to be near him) to one where I spend a good deal of my time. It's where I'll put my child to sleep and where I'll feed, change and dress him/her. I'll look forward to going into the room in the morning to greet my sleeping beauty, and probably even more to putting him or her to bed at night after a long day. It's crazy how much this room and it's function is going to change.

And the room is a symbol of my life. As I thought about how the office, with it's bookshelf full of collegiate texts, and brown walls adorned with sophisticated UVA prints and diplomas in their frames, would soon be transformed into a room with cartoon owls and cute little baby things, I realized that it isn't just the room that's going to look different come November. My life, in much the same way, is about to be remodeled. I currently work 7:30-5(ish), have a variety of afternoon activities, and relish the opportunity to sleep whenever possible (hey, it's fair, I'm growing a baby). In addition, my free time, however little there may be, is just that: MY. FREE. TIME. It won't be like that too much longer. I'll be responsible for taking care of another life and all that entails.

A lot of the time, I don't think about it. I'm 13 and 1/2 weeks pregnant, and, for the most part, things haven't changed much. I don't look much different and haven't had to buy maternity clothes yet (though my jeans are a bit more snug than I prefer), the morning sickness and insane nausea of the 1st trimester seem to have subsided for a while (praise the Lord!), and I've told almost everyone at this point (minus the Facebook reveal, which will probably occur later this week). Also, we're a ways away from actually working on the nursery, registering, or any other milestone plans. I tend to forget that I'm carrying a baby inside me.

And then, out of the blue, it hits. Like yesterday when we heard the heartbeat for the second time and it was strong, fast and crystal clear. Or today, reading in the office. It blows my mind that I'm responsible for this life - for raising it and helping it grow and mature, in addition to taking care of basic needs. Most of the time, I get really excited. Even though our sweet little baby was unplanned, he or she is already incredibly loved and I'm so excited about his/her arrival in November. Still, other times, I get scared - what if I'm not good at being a parent? What if I mess up? What if it's all just too much and I'm not ready and I fail?

I think back to the office. It isn't a nursery now, nor, despite my nesting wishes, will it become one overnight. We'll go through our belongings, pack things into boxes and move what stays into the guest room. Then my dearest hubs will paint the room a different color. We'll order furniture that will have to be assembled and put into place. Finally, we'll add decor and personal touches to the room. It's not an immediate transformation, but a process. And so, I tell myself, will it be with me. I won't figure it all out overnight, or even within months or years of having my baby. I don't know that parents ever completely "figure it out". But just like with decorating, I am very VERY excited about the process - even if it's a little daunting.