Time

I've mentioned the fact that I often feel like I am cleverly disguised as an adult. I teach twenty four 10-12 year olds, and sometimes have more in common with them than I should care to admit. However, lately I've considered that I just might be growing up. In fact, twice in the past four days, I've felt very "old".

I started thinking about it this weekend. On Saturday morning JP and I were awake before 8am - without an alarm. We had no pressing plans, no reason to be awake, and yet, we were - without the ability to fall back asleep no less. This has been a gradual process that is, honestly, a bit unnerving. Traditionally, I am a marathon sleeper. I can easily be out for 10-12 hours like it's my job. In college, it was nothing for me to wake up well past noon, sometimes long after breakfast had stopped being served. Even since I've started teaching and have to be up at 6:30 Monday through Thursday, I've reveled in the joy of staying in bed, under the covers, sleeping as late as I want on Saturday mornings. Not anymore. To top it off, on Sunday, I was up before the alarm again, read for a while, and then vacuumed, dusted and cleaned the bathroom, all before going to church. Who is this person??

Well, if that wasn't enough, today I've been thinking about time. Time is a very precious thing. (See - didn't that just sound like a 60 year old thing to say??). I don't think I've ever appreciated time as much as I do now, mostly because right now I don't have much of it at my disposal. My job takes a LOT out of me. Between the planning, grading, teaching, communicating with parents, teachers and the administration, and attending meetings, it's pretty overwhelming. Even on days I do have "time" to myself at the end of a day (few and far between) I rarely have the energy to do much with it.

This year I've thought a lot about time - about how I spend mine, and how I want to spend it. This is my third year of teaching, and every year I've struggled and prayed and struggled and prayed about balance. My first two years of working, I wanted to be a super-golden-apple-winning-life-changing teacher. I poured my whole self - my time, my energy, all my attention, into my job. While this doesn't sound "bad", my life suffered. I didn't prioritize time with God, my marriage, or close friendships and the lack of balance greatly affected my ability to be successful in these other areas of my life, and in my job was well. Don't get me wrong, I still want to make a difference in my work. I want to develop positive relationships with my students be a role model for them, and shine the light of Jesus in the darkness that some of them face. I want to help them become better readers, writers, mathematicians, and, mostly, better people. I've learned though that this can't be my chief end and I can't give it ALL of my time.

The Bible talks about the inability of man to serve two masters. In the illustration, Jesus is talking about God and money, but I think it works for many situations. I can't simultaneously focus on my family and my job. To focus means that ones eyes and attention is fixed on one thing - not two or three or four. I've learned that teaching demands so much, and, frankly it's more than I can, or am willing to give.

When I think about how I'd like to spend my time, here are the things that immediately come to mind:

- time in the Word and time spent in prayer

- serving and loving my husband (making dinner, keeping a lovely home, spending quality time with him with ENERGY to enjoy it)

- spending time with our little one (Yes, we're pregnant! Baby is coming in November and I can't wait to read to it, play with it and love it with everything I've got)

- spending time with friends and family

- reading (for fun and to learn)

- writing (a student asked me the other day what I'd do if I wasn't a teacher and I answered that I'd LOVE to write)

- serving in roles that use my talents and help others

I used to feel guilty for wanting to do something other than my job. I have often struggled to believe that I "deserve" good things, or that it's "ok" to want things that make me happy. But lately I've been reminded that I am the way I am for a reason. The desires of my heart and my talents are ones that God put there. My longings to do things other than my job aren't wrong or selfish at all. They reflect me and who I am, and that's alright.

In my "old age" I want to treasure my time, and use it wisely. I don't want to look back on life with regrets of what I could or should have done and how I spent my time on all the wrong things.