Life lessons courtesy of my one month old

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and Sacred Parenting is right - when you have kids, they teach you far more about God than you ever teach them.

Eli is just over a month old, and I have so much to learn about being a parent. But, in his few short weeks with us, he has taught me a lot. He's been a mirror for my sin and shown me again my need for a Savior. Despite the immense love I have for my son, and for my husband, I'm often selfish. I don't mean to be, but I struggle sometimes (often) to put their needs ahead of my own. I grow resentful when I haven't gotten as much sleep as they have, or when I constantly smell like the spit up that is residing in my hair or on my clothes (yep, being a mom is oh so glamorous!). I am also prideful. Sometimes, I try to do more for Eli, and tackle things on my own, in order to make me feel like the better parent. Yes, I am indeed quite fallen. Thank God for Christmas - for sending his Son to deal with HUGE messes like me.

Anyhow, although quite unpleasant, I have learned a lot about God this past week.

Let's start by saying that, JP and I are officially out of the running for the Parents of the Year award. (I highly doubt we were ever IN the running, but, just in case, now, all bets are off). Since Eli was born, for the nine months preceding his birth, and for as long as we fathomed having children, JP and I, like all young couples, were bound and determined to be perfect parents. We were going to do absolutely everything right and people would marvel at our parenting skills. That was the plan...

This past Sunday (Christmas) night/wee hours Monday morning, we were at my in-laws house, trying to go to sleep, after a busy few days celebrating with family and friends. We were completely exhausted, and so was our son (though he was fighting sleep). We laid him in his pack and play in our room and hoped for the best. Like clockwork though, Eli quickly began to cry. He doesn't do very well sleeping on his own, and he lets us know it. JP picked him up and held him on his chest, comforting him to sleep. However, they both ended up falling asleep, and we woke to a thud - Eli had fallen. My initial response was fear for my son. We calmed his cries and looked at him - he appeared normal. As soon as I realized he was "ok", my next response was anger and bitterness at JP - which I recognized and quickly prayed against.

After Eli calmed down, he was able to nurse, and acted the same as always once he finished - first, he was alseep, and then awake for his 10-15 minutes of alert playfulness. Still, we were both nervous, so we called our pediatrician, who suggested taking him in to the hospital to be checked. I was certain we'd get a "he's fine" and be on our way back to Nelson. At this point, my frustrations with my husband subsided, and I tried to be comforting and reassure him that this was an accident, it could have happened to anyone, and that he was/is a great dad.

Instead, when we got to the hospital, we learned that things were much more complicated. His initial check showed no major bleeding, but they suggested a CT scan, which made me nervous. The scan showed a minor head bleed, which meant they had to keep him to monitor, he had to take anti-seizure meds through an IV as a precautionary measure, and he had to have some follow up scans to insure the bleeding had stopped. I quickly became hysterical, and all support of my husband went out the window. I was furious with him for "doing this" to my baby boy.

To make a long story short (well, shorter), everything went as well as could be expected. All monitoring showed that Eli was fine, the scans showed no clotting, and that the bleed had stopped. He was discharged the next day, and has been his normal self for the most part (just a little extra sleepy/spit-upy from the meds).

But I have been struggling.

First, I have had to deal with my feelings toward my husband. JP is SUCH a good dad. I have seen lots of dads interact with their kids, and tend to them, and (though I may be biased) I have never seen one take such good care, or show so much love to their child as my husband does with my son. JP is a wonderful helper and readily attends to anything Eli needs. He has also been great with me - making sure that I get the rest, nutrition and support I need to tend to our sweet boy. The fact that there was an accident doesn't change that.

My response to this whole situation was far from appropriate or Christ-like. God has love and grace for me when I sin - and my sins are so often not "an accident" like Eli's fall. The anger I resorted to initially was only settled when I thought everything was ok. In other words, I was supportive because of the situation and circumstances, not because of a loving attitude of grace for my husband. Worse, I was prideful. Once I WAS able to comfort JP and be on his team, I was proud of my ability to be supportive, even though, when things got rough, I resorted back to my bitterness and resentment. Any ability to love and support him was not of myself, but a result of God's answer to my prayers - what right did I have to be prideful?

I also really struggled with how to tell people what had happened. We were in the hospital for hours before I contacted a few friends with the news. This was partly because things were so hectic and busy, but also because I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. In my head, Eli being in the hospital meant that JP and I were failures as parents, and I wanted to keep the illusion that we were still in the running for that parent award.... I was so fearful of what people would think of us that I didn't reach out for help and ask for prayers. I let my pride stand in the way.

Oh, what a mess I am.

I have been asking God for a loving, forgiving heart, for grace for my husband, and for humility. I need him to break down my pride and cleanse my heart. That's the bad news.

The good news is, he's faithful, and he will.

I am so thankful

- for a God who is able to do this work in me and who always brings good out of bad

- for a son to help me learn these valuable lessons (who, also, is on the mend and recovering well).

God is good.

Thankful for this hard day...

So, today has been the longest, hardest, most challenging day since... well, since I had 26 hours of back labor and delivered a 9lb baby without any meds. But, if you don't count that, today has been the longest, hardest, most challenging day that I can remember...

When we left the hospital I was a complete wreck. I was overwhelmed with how hard breastfeeding was, worried about Eli losing weight, exhausted from intense sleep deprivation, and most of all, shocked that the staff at the hospital was going to let me take this sweet baby boy home to care for. Didn't they know that I am really just a 25 year old kid myself? What do I know about taking care of a baby?

I have been blessed to have JP home with Eli and I for the past two weeks. The first few days, he did a lot of the work. I took care of "input" and he was on "output" duty, in addition to helping take care of me. This allowed me to recover from delivery and rest up a bit. Then, after I started to feel better, we began tag teaming pretty much everything. We took turns dressing him, changing his clothes, burping him, putting meals together, straightening up etc. Besides feeding, we divided up pretty much everything that needed to be done. It was busy and hectic, but good.

Well, JP heads back to work Monday, and it's going to be me and the little bean. (JP gave him the nickname "bean" because he said he thought he looked like a big kidney bean when he was born). I love my little guy, but am quite nervous about it being just the two of us, without all of his daddy's help. So, to help me with the transition, today we had a "practice" work day. JP was at home, but he pretended to be at work all day. He did some things around here, but absolutely nothing for Eli and nothing for me (ie. no getting my food and brining it to me - I'm going to have to learn to somehow eat while taking care of a child. I'm not sure how yet, so if I look malnourished, that might be why). Anyhow, today it was all me from the time we got up until almost 6:00, and it was HARD.

We woke up, had difficult feeding number 1 in the bed. Eli is such a sleepy boy, and he really has a hard time latching on to eat. We've been using a shield, but that's been hard/messy. So I got up, washed the shield from the night time feeding, and got him to eat. After that, I changed him, swaddled him and set off for downstairs to fix my own breakfast. He cried when I put him down, so I grabbed a muffin and a yogurt and ate as quickly as I could while consoling him. Then we headed to the couch for some comforting in the form of cuddles.

After Eli was clearly sleeping soundly, I rushed upstairs and took the fastest shower of my life, then came back to get my sweet little boy. I picked him up, only to notice he had peed on the couch. Lovely. We went upstairs for me to change him, and I forgot about the pee, laid him on the bed while I did something, picked him up, and the sheets were suddenly wet too. Great. I got him changed and swaddled and tried to calm him while he cried.

Soon, it was time for the next feeding. Frustrating feeding number 2, which was basically the same story as the first, except in a different location. Then, we got ready, and headed to JP's work to introduce him to his coworkers. Most everything went smoothly with that, except that as we were walking into his office I noticed my shirt was wet from, well, you know. Thankfully, I was wearing my jacket.

We got home, and it was eating time again. This was THE most frustrating feeding of them all. I changed Eli, tried to get him to latch without the shield, to no avail. Then, I realized the shield was missing. My poor sweet boy was screaming while I frantically searched for it. He ate, spit up all over himself and the comforter on the bed, ate some more, needed changing, and I was tending to this while also trying to deal with my crazy dog who was back for the first day after being at my parents house since baby was born.

Once things were settled we went downstairs to visit with my dad, who had dropped Ollie off and come to visit for his birthday. We had a good visit with him and mom, and then they left. It was 4:30 and I had one more hour of JP's "work" day. Eli was sleeping soundly, so I decided to take a nap. I brought him upstairs, put him in the pack and play, and and got cozy under the covers. JUST about the time I was falling asleep, I heard it. He was pooping. Then he was screaming and crying.... part of me, a very large part of me, wanted to scream and cry right along with him. What a day it had been and how aggravating that right when I was trying to nap he got so cranky. I started down the road to a really bad attitude, and then, I made a U-turn.

I decided, instead of being frustrated, to be thankful. I have been blessed with a sweet, precious, adorable baby boy. He is healthy and all of his systems work well (even if the lungs do lead to some loud cries and the digestive system gives some less than lovely presents). He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have been blessed to have his daddy's help for longer than many women have their husbands home. And I am able to take a 12 week maternity leave, plus Christmas break (and any snow days add on days to my time off - pray for lots and lots this year).

Anyhow, instead of screaming or crying, I decided to count my blessings and remember what many have told me - "the days are long, but the years are short". I know that, hard as today might have been, one day I will look back and miss this. I'll miss the days of us at home with me taking care of his every need. I will miss how small he is, and how dependent he is on his mommy for food. Even if it's challenging right now, I'll miss nursing him. I'll miss him crying because he needs me to hold him, or let him suck on my finger to make everything right in the world. I'll miss our sweet cuddles - the ones where I feel like I need to go do something else, but it breaks his heart for me to put him down. One day we won't have Ollie, and I'll miss him too - even if he's trying my patience.

So, today, instead of losing it because I didn't have my nap, or because it was the most challenging day I'd had in a long time, I gave thanks for this special time, for my handsome, precious Eli, and my sweet little family. I really am so blessed.