Eli is just over a month old, and I have so much to learn about being a parent. But, in his few short weeks with us, he has taught me a lot. He's been a mirror for my sin and shown me again my need for a Savior. Despite the immense love I have for my son, and for my husband, I'm often selfish. I don't mean to be, but I struggle sometimes (often) to put their needs ahead of my own. I grow resentful when I haven't gotten as much sleep as they have, or when I constantly smell like the spit up that is residing in my hair or on my clothes (yep, being a mom is oh so glamorous!). I am also prideful. Sometimes, I try to do more for Eli, and tackle things on my own, in order to make me feel like the better parent. Yes, I am indeed quite fallen. Thank God for Christmas - for sending his Son to deal with HUGE messes like me.
Anyhow, although quite unpleasant, I have learned a lot about God this past week.
Let's start by saying that, JP and I are officially out of the running for the Parents of the Year award. (I highly doubt we were ever IN the running, but, just in case, now, all bets are off). Since Eli was born, for the nine months preceding his birth, and for as long as we fathomed having children, JP and I, like all young couples, were bound and determined to be perfect parents. We were going to do absolutely everything right and people would marvel at our parenting skills. That was the plan...
This past Sunday (Christmas) night/wee hours Monday morning, we were at my in-laws house, trying to go to sleep, after a busy few days celebrating with family and friends. We were completely exhausted, and so was our son (though he was fighting sleep). We laid him in his pack and play in our room and hoped for the best. Like clockwork though, Eli quickly began to cry. He doesn't do very well sleeping on his own, and he lets us know it. JP picked him up and held him on his chest, comforting him to sleep. However, they both ended up falling asleep, and we woke to a thud - Eli had fallen. My initial response was fear for my son. We calmed his cries and looked at him - he appeared normal. As soon as I realized he was "ok", my next response was anger and bitterness at JP - which I recognized and quickly prayed against.
After Eli calmed down, he was able to nurse, and acted the same as always once he finished - first, he was alseep, and then awake for his 10-15 minutes of alert playfulness. Still, we were both nervous, so we called our pediatrician, who suggested taking him in to the hospital to be checked. I was certain we'd get a "he's fine" and be on our way back to Nelson. At this point, my frustrations with my husband subsided, and I tried to be comforting and reassure him that this was an accident, it could have happened to anyone, and that he was/is a great dad.
Instead, when we got to the hospital, we learned that things were much more complicated. His initial check showed no major bleeding, but they suggested a CT scan, which made me nervous. The scan showed a minor head bleed, which meant they had to keep him to monitor, he had to take anti-seizure meds through an IV as a precautionary measure, and he had to have some follow up scans to insure the bleeding had stopped. I quickly became hysterical, and all support of my husband went out the window. I was furious with him for "doing this" to my baby boy.
To make a long story short (well, shorter), everything went as well as could be expected. All monitoring showed that Eli was fine, the scans showed no clotting, and that the bleed had stopped. He was discharged the next day, and has been his normal self for the most part (just a little extra sleepy/spit-upy from the meds).
But I have been struggling.
First, I have had to deal with my feelings toward my husband. JP is SUCH a good dad. I have seen lots of dads interact with their kids, and tend to them, and (though I may be biased) I have never seen one take such good care, or show so much love to their child as my husband does with my son. JP is a wonderful helper and readily attends to anything Eli needs. He has also been great with me - making sure that I get the rest, nutrition and support I need to tend to our sweet boy. The fact that there was an accident doesn't change that.
My response to this whole situation was far from appropriate or Christ-like. God has love and grace for me when I sin - and my sins are so often not "an accident" like Eli's fall. The anger I resorted to initially was only settled when I thought everything was ok. In other words, I was supportive because of the situation and circumstances, not because of a loving attitude of grace for my husband. Worse, I was prideful. Once I WAS able to comfort JP and be on his team, I was proud of my ability to be supportive, even though, when things got rough, I resorted back to my bitterness and resentment. Any ability to love and support him was not of myself, but a result of God's answer to my prayers - what right did I have to be prideful?
I also really struggled with how to tell people what had happened. We were in the hospital for hours before I contacted a few friends with the news. This was partly because things were so hectic and busy, but also because I didn't want anyone to know what had happened. In my head, Eli being in the hospital meant that JP and I were failures as parents, and I wanted to keep the illusion that we were still in the running for that parent award.... I was so fearful of what people would think of us that I didn't reach out for help and ask for prayers. I let my pride stand in the way.
Oh, what a mess I am.
I have been asking God for a loving, forgiving heart, for grace for my husband, and for humility. I need him to break down my pride and cleanse my heart. That's the bad news.
The good news is, he's faithful, and he will.
I am so thankful
- for a God who is able to do this work in me and who always brings good out of bad
- for a son to help me learn these valuable lessons (who, also, is on the mend and recovering well).
God is good.
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