When we left the hospital I was a complete wreck. I was overwhelmed with how hard breastfeeding was, worried about Eli losing weight, exhausted from intense sleep deprivation, and most of all, shocked that the staff at the hospital was going to let me take this sweet baby boy home to care for. Didn't they know that I am really just a 25 year old kid myself? What do I know about taking care of a baby?
I have been blessed to have JP home with Eli and I for the past two weeks. The first few days, he did a lot of the work. I took care of "input" and he was on "output" duty, in addition to helping take care of me. This allowed me to recover from delivery and rest up a bit. Then, after I started to feel better, we began tag teaming pretty much everything. We took turns dressing him, changing his clothes, burping him, putting meals together, straightening up etc. Besides feeding, we divided up pretty much everything that needed to be done. It was busy and hectic, but good.
Well, JP heads back to work Monday, and it's going to be me and the little bean. (JP gave him the nickname "bean" because he said he thought he looked like a big kidney bean when he was born). I love my little guy, but am quite nervous about it being just the two of us, without all of his daddy's help. So, to help me with the transition, today we had a "practice" work day. JP was at home, but he pretended to be at work all day. He did some things around here, but absolutely nothing for Eli and nothing for me (ie. no getting my food and brining it to me - I'm going to have to learn to somehow eat while taking care of a child. I'm not sure how yet, so if I look malnourished, that might be why). Anyhow, today it was all me from the time we got up until almost 6:00, and it was HARD.
We woke up, had difficult feeding number 1 in the bed. Eli is such a sleepy boy, and he really has a hard time latching on to eat. We've been using a shield, but that's been hard/messy. So I got up, washed the shield from the night time feeding, and got him to eat. After that, I changed him, swaddled him and set off for downstairs to fix my own breakfast. He cried when I put him down, so I grabbed a muffin and a yogurt and ate as quickly as I could while consoling him. Then we headed to the couch for some comforting in the form of cuddles.
After Eli was clearly sleeping soundly, I rushed upstairs and took the fastest shower of my life, then came back to get my sweet little boy. I picked him up, only to notice he had peed on the couch. Lovely. We went upstairs for me to change him, and I forgot about the pee, laid him on the bed while I did something, picked him up, and the sheets were suddenly wet too. Great. I got him changed and swaddled and tried to calm him while he cried.
Soon, it was time for the next feeding. Frustrating feeding number 2, which was basically the same story as the first, except in a different location. Then, we got ready, and headed to JP's work to introduce him to his coworkers. Most everything went smoothly with that, except that as we were walking into his office I noticed my shirt was wet from, well, you know. Thankfully, I was wearing my jacket.
We got home, and it was eating time again. This was THE most frustrating feeding of them all. I changed Eli, tried to get him to latch without the shield, to no avail. Then, I realized the shield was missing. My poor sweet boy was screaming while I frantically searched for it. He ate, spit up all over himself and the comforter on the bed, ate some more, needed changing, and I was tending to this while also trying to deal with my crazy dog who was back for the first day after being at my parents house since baby was born.
Once things were settled we went downstairs to visit with my dad, who had dropped Ollie off and come to visit for his birthday. We had a good visit with him and mom, and then they left. It was 4:30 and I had one more hour of JP's "work" day. Eli was sleeping soundly, so I decided to take a nap. I brought him upstairs, put him in the pack and play, and and got cozy under the covers. JUST about the time I was falling asleep, I heard it. He was pooping. Then he was screaming and crying.... part of me, a very large part of me, wanted to scream and cry right along with him. What a day it had been and how aggravating that right when I was trying to nap he got so cranky. I started down the road to a really bad attitude, and then, I made a U-turn.
I decided, instead of being frustrated, to be thankful. I have been blessed with a sweet, precious, adorable baby boy. He is healthy and all of his systems work well (even if the lungs do lead to some loud cries and the digestive system gives some less than lovely presents). He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have been blessed to have his daddy's help for longer than many women have their husbands home. And I am able to take a 12 week maternity leave, plus Christmas break (and any snow days add on days to my time off - pray for lots and lots this year).
Anyhow, instead of screaming or crying, I decided to count my blessings and remember what many have told me - "the days are long, but the years are short". I know that, hard as today might have been, one day I will look back and miss this. I'll miss the days of us at home with me taking care of his every need. I will miss how small he is, and how dependent he is on his mommy for food. Even if it's challenging right now, I'll miss nursing him. I'll miss him crying because he needs me to hold him, or let him suck on my finger to make everything right in the world. I'll miss our sweet cuddles - the ones where I feel like I need to go do something else, but it breaks his heart for me to put him down. One day we won't have Ollie, and I'll miss him too - even if he's trying my patience.
So, today, instead of losing it because I didn't have my nap, or because it was the most challenging day I'd had in a long time, I gave thanks for this special time, for my handsome, precious Eli, and my sweet little family. I really am so blessed.
2 comments:
aww, the joys of motherhood. remember that exhaustion I was telling you about that was worse than no sleep while pregnant exhaustion, you are in the peak of it. :) It does get better I promise you! You so remind me of my fist day with the twins....I bawled all day. It was such a hard time doing things solo...you will over come this and you are doing a great job. We ALL go through this so don't think any less of yourself if you have a break down. Better yet, have one! It really makes you feel better once you just let all of those hormones surge at one time. Hugs!!!
I enjoyed reading this Mary! It reminds me so much of my days with Summer as a newborn. They were so hard, but so worth it :) It even made me tear up a bit to think how much Summer has grown up. The infant stage is difficult but it doesnt last long so try to enjoy it. Hang in there, you are doing a great job!!!
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