"Stop the glorification of busy"

My husband sometimes (very kindly) remarks that I am “wasting time” on Pinterest.  It’s true, the website can sometimes be like Facebook – a black hole that sucks you into nothingness.  However, it can also prove quite useful.  I haven’t been on Pinterest that long, and already is has resulted in the (successful) making of homemade yogurt, bread, cute handprint paintings and several new scrumptious meals.  This doesn’t include the many other ideas that are waiting for me…

But, perhaps the best thing I’ve seen on Pinterest is the words quoted in this post’s title:  “Stop the glorification of busy”.  I admit, I find it a bit ironic that the words have been pinned several times – on a website that makes you feel a bit guilty if you aren’t making everything that goes on your table homemade and from scratch, your house isn’t full of DIY perfection, amazing décor, and practical storage solutions and your kids days aren’t perfectly scheduled with developmentally appropriate activities and craft time.  Pinterest, it could be argued, it a site that inspires busyness.  But, ironic or not, it is where I stumbled upon these few words that have settled deep into my heart.

I glorify business.  I absolutely do.  I think it’s a product of the culture we’re living in.  I remember being in college and “competing” about who was more exhausted, who had the most work to do, and whose extracurricular activity list was that longest.  Of course, it wasn’t an actual competition, but the conversation went something like this:

Me:  “I’m so tired.  I didn’t get to bed until after 2am last night.”

Friend: “I was up until 4.”

Me:  “It’s a really rough week, I have two papers due and an exam.”

Friend:  “I have two papers and two exams.”

Me:  “Well, I also have small group I’m leading this week, and a meeting to go to, plus volunteering…”

You get the point.  These conversations happened all. the. time.  And, guilty as anyone, I participated. 

Even still, it continues.  People seem to feel more important and significant when they have full planners and rattle of countless activities.   I’ve had people share that they are stressed from the things on their plate but they liked being able to say “I do this and this and this.”  Please don’t think I am speaking condemningly, as if I am Miss High and Mighty Above this Issue.  I’m not.  Though, currently, I have the opposite problem.

I have jokingly told many people I was born in the wrong time period.  I love staying home with my son, focusing on our family and home.  I love that, at one point in history, that was the expectation for women and totally accepted (and the economy didn’t dictate the need/push for the two-income home).  I would have done well in that time.

Now, I struggle with “is what I’m doing enough?”.  I CONSTANTLY look at moms who are, in addition to staying home all day with their children, running successful businesses from their homes, writing books, coaching, mentoring, etc.  I’m content not having those things on my plate, but often feel like my life and role isn’t valuable because I’m not “doing enough”.

It’s largely the result of believing the lie – buying into the glorification of busy.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having things to do – but I want them to be things like spontaneously taking Eli to the park because it’s a beautiful day, reading for a little longer than normal, having a home that runs smoothly because I have the time to tend to it.   I guess I just want to be busy about the RIGHT things (for me) and not be busy for busys sake (or because I feel like I need to be). 

Being busier doesn’t make us more significant, better or glamorous.  For me, when I get too busy, I tend to become a stressed out mess of a human being (it’s true, ask my husband).  So, I am going to try to be careful about the things I do – choosing wisely where to devote my time.  I will stop the glorification on busy in my life.

So now, instead of getting back on Pinterest and figure out what else I need to do to be more awesome - I think I’ll just go to sleep.

This kid is obsessed with books (Eli update)

"This tiny hippopotamus has something small to say, and if we're very quiet now he'll say it right away.  Listen.  'Be Bo'.  You might not know what 'BeBo means, or maybe you've forgotten, it's just the tiny hippo way of saying belly button."

Ok, I'll stop there.  I can quote for you the entirety of Sandra Boynton's "Belly Button Book", along with numerous other books, but I'll spare you all.

I thought I'd do a little update on Eli overall.  I've posted about his food fights and such, but thought I'd do a more general "here's what he's up to post".  And that, my friends, begins with books.  The kid is OBSESSED.  "Book" was one of Eli's first words (I think it came right after mama and dada).  Anyhow, I spent the morning him reading no less (and likely a few more) than 25 books.  He finds them, brings them to me and says "book" over and over until I read it.  Then, often, as soon as the book is closed, he grabs it, thrusts it at me again, and insists that once just isn't enough.  We have several books that were read multiple (up to five) times this morning.  I hid Hippos Go Berserk (um, mommy was the one going berserk).

Despite the fact that it is sometimes annoying, I love that he's a little reader :).  He is his parent's child in that area, for sure.  He will often sit with books along and turn their pages.  Still, being read to is his all time favorite activity.  I have, on occasion tried to see how long he would sit on my lap and allow me to read, just to check his attention span.  I broke before he did (at like 12 books - craziness!)

In other news, Eli:
- is an extremely verbal child.  He knows/says close approximately 30 words.  Not all of them are crystal clear, but he has that many words that JP and I KNOW what he is talking about.  The list includes:  mama, dada, book, duck, cat (pronouced gat), hat (at), yogurt (gurt), bottle (aka sippy cup, pronounced bah), button (buh), dog, Nana (for my mom, and banana), Lala (for his Auntie Allison), snow (no), star (dar), light (another obsession), nose (no - will point to it!), mouth (mou - points), ear (points), bye bye, night night (ny ny), baby (sometimes pronounced correctly, sometimes says "be" - this is what he calls himself when he sees himself in the mirror), mum mums (the snack), puffs (says buh).  Anyhow, that's a pretty full, but not necessarily exhaustive list.  It is SO much fun that we're able to communicate, even if just a little :)

- eats well on the whole.  I know the last post was doom and gloom about his eating, but overall, he does well.  I hope it continues!

- has never been a fantastic sleeper.  He goes through phases where he does SO well, but then seems to regress.

- is not at mobile as he is verbal.  He's got a push toy that he likes, and will walk with that, but doesn't seem to have too much interest in trying to walk on his own.  He has JUST started to walk holding our hands (he used to let his legs give out), so that's some progress I guess.  JP is sometimes afraid Eli won't ever walk.  I am enjoying him not being AS mobile as I know he soon will be (the fast crawling is good enough).  Plus it makes him feel more like my little baby.

- is doing cute new things all the time.  He LOVES to play peekaboo, and will initiate this game often.  He has also (sometimes) started laying down and saying "ny ny" when he's tired.  LOVE it when he does this.  He LOVES playing with Ollie, though he has gotten confused and started calling him a cat (he used to call him a dog, at my parents, when we was outside.  And he learned cat at my in-laws, who have inside cats.  I think Eli must reason that since Ollie is inside, he's now a cat.  We're trying to convince him Ollie is, in fact, a dog, but he's not buying it).

- often asks for either JP or I.  SOOOO cute.  Sometimes JP will go get him from a nap and he will say "mama" over and over (um, he also did this during the prayer when we visited a new church on Saturday night - oops).  At any rate, it melts. my. heart.

- now has 6 teeth, 2 more are in the process of coming in

- doesn't particularly like many other toys (besides books).  He's enjoying a stacking toy he got for Christmas, and likes pulling the pieces out of his puzzle.  That's about it.  He is interested in the shape sorter, but seems to get frustrated when the pieces don't fit (same when he tries to stack blocks but doesn't have the coordination to make them sit on one another).

Even on mornings when I have to read books over and over, after having not gotten the best night's sleep, and then I have to fight him about a nap, I love that child enough that I often feel I'll burst.  He is such a sweet sweet little joy.  We are so blessed with him and enjoy seeing him grow and develop every day!

The time Eli and I had a fight about yogurt...

Yesterday I posted on Facebook about the adorableness of my sweet son.  I thought it was so cute that he's developed a favorite food - yogurt (or "gurt" as he likes to call it).  Every time we put him in his high chair his request is the same "gurt, gurt, gurt" (he usually says it multiple times, I guess he thinks his parents are slow).  Yogurt is a pretty standard food for him at breakfast time, but that's usually it.  He has always been fine with that (and readily ate whatever he was given), until recently.  In the past week, he's become a bit more finicky (refusing broccoli, zucchini and butternut squash, all of which he LOVED before) and has also started to ask for yogurt.  It was kind of cute when we was asking.  Tonight he was demanding.  And it was NOT cute.

It was dinner time, and I thought we'd start with some chicken, applesauce, whole grain bread and peas - all foods he likes (well, he'll only eat the chicken IN the applesauce, but at any rate).  As soon as he got into his chair, the pleas for "gurt" began.  I explained to him (for all it's worth explaining anything to a 13 month old) what he was having, and that he could have yogurt if he ate everything else.  We proceeded to try a bite of chicken and applesauce.  After turning his head, batting the spoon, and squirming like crazy, I finally got a bite in - for all of 2 seconds, before it came right back out.  Eli 1, Mom 0.  Ok, I thought, maybe he wants to feed himself.  I put some bread and zucchini on the tray - and before I knew it, both were on the floor (Ollie appreciate this, I did not - Eli 2, Mom 0).  I tried a spoonful of the peas, which had the same fate - out of his mouth and THEN thrown on the floor.  Eli 3, Mom 0.  Throughout the process I spoke sternly with countless corrections: "No Eli, No" and "We don't spit out/throw our food".  I smacked his little hand a few times, HARD, but it didn't phase him.  He cried, screamed, spit and threw.  It was a disaster.

As I walked to the kitchen to get yogurt (hangs head in shame of defeat), I prayed for patience.  I have NEVER been so frustrated with Eli.  I was even angry.  Didn't he know that I had worked hard to make his dinner?  Wasn't he appreciative of the fact that I go to the trouble to see that he has homemade, nutritious food?  Didn't he know this was good for him?  (The answer to those questions, by the way, is no).  Why did this have to be so difficult??

I told my husband today that I miss teaching.  I've said this before and it's true (though I don't doubt that the place I'm supposed to be is at home).  He asked me why, and I had several answers.
1.  I am/was good at teaching
2.  There was at least SOME sense of instant gratification.  When kids "got it" or their parents sent appreciative emails, I knew I was doing a good job.
3.  At least more than being at home, I was in control.

I think God has used Eli to teach me that I am not in control (um, hello surprise pregnancy) and that I need to depend on Him.  I can make healthy, nutritious food, but I can't force my son to eat it.  I can do my best to set up a good sleep schedule, and be home for his naps, but I can't make him sleep.  I can discipline him, train him, and teach him about the Lord - but I can't make him behave and I certainly can't make him believe.  It's humbling, for sure.  Sometimes I think about how well Eli's doing - that he is was? a good eater, that he's SO vocal, that he sleeps well (most of the time), and I think I'm doing a good job.  Other times, like tonight, I feel like a colossal failure.  I realize how very little I know about being a mom, and how much I have to learn.

But, honestly, I think that's a good place to be.  So, as I fed Eli his dinner (which, he ate all of - a spoon full of yogurt, applesauce/chicken, peas, and piece of bread - rinse and repeat), I thought about my great need for God's help with all of this.  It's a good thing He's faithful :).

Here's hoping (and praying!) that Eli goes back to being my fabulous eater.  In the meantime, maybe the "one bite of everything" trick will work.  Also, I tried making homemade yogurt today.  Let's hope it works and turns out well.  If my son is going to have to eat it at EVERY meal, I'm sure going to need it :)

No need for condolences.

Last night I was up long after the lights were turned out and my (still tired) husband had fallen asleep.  I was thinking about a conversation I'd had earlier in the evening.  I thought about the way I was caught off guard, and about the reply I wish I'd given.  I was thinking about this blog post.

Yesterday I was on the phone someone from church - someone I don't know at all (I was speaking with him about serving on his ministry team).  Over the course of our conversation, I shared some basic life information with him - "Back in Charlottesville, I was a teacher for four years, but now I stay at home with our one year old son."  His response was immediate "My condolences".

I'm sure it was a joke, or at least an attempt at one.  Perhaps I should even be pleased that his statement means he recognizes what I do isn't always easy - that I don't sit around eating bonbons and reading magazines all day.  But, his response didn't have that affect.  It saddened my mama heart.

Condolences are what you give when a loved one passes away, or when a friend is experiencing great loss.  They are an expression of sympathy when someone is experiencing pain.  None of these things are relevant to me as a stay at home mom.

Some might say I took his comment too seriously, or that it wasn't a big deal.  But I think it IS a VERY big deal.  It seems as if this man's attitude is far too common in society - this idea that being around children so much is burdensome, that someone in this role is to be pitied.  I've gotten this outright from people: "I could never stay home", and in subtle messages in our culture.  Most recently, I noticed the words in the Christmas carol - "and moms and dads can hardly wait for school to start again."  Why?  To have the children out of their hair?

I'm not trying to pretend that it's puppies and roses for me all the time as I'm at home with Eli.  I also don't want to act as though I know it all when I only have one child, who has just passed the one year mark.  Sure, there are days that I know that being in a job would be far easier (and I imagine those days will only increase as Eli enters toddlerhood and whenever the Mays family grows).

However, I am absolutely, 100% certain that children are a blessing.  I've experienced it first hand, and God's word says so:  "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him." Psalm 127:3.  They bring smiles, laughter and immeasurable joy and they also bring opportunities to grow and be molded into the image of Christ.  Eli has humbled me (like this morning when he was crawling all over us in bed after he nursed, and he spit up ALLLLL over my face and in my hair).  He has taught me to be more patient and more selfless.  He has given me a whole new understanding and appreciation for unconditional love.

So, I don't need condolences.  Not at all.  Call me crazy, but this mama wants a house full of children and is seriously contemplating homeschooling.  I thank God all the time for the amazing gift and blessing that He has given me in my son, and for the opportunity to be at home with him each day.  Life is good.  Messy, exhausting, and trying at times.  But so good.

Intentional parenting

This past Saturday we celebrated our sweet little Eli's first year of life.  It was a busy week, with a wedding, two Thanksgiving celebrations, Black Friday shopping and getting things ready for the party.  With sleep issues (less than an ideal transition) thrown in the mix, it was an exhausting week.  Yesterday was his actual birthday, and, being home, I've had a bit more time to process.

It has been such a crazy year for our family - full of change and transition, as I went back to work after maternity leave, we sold our house and moved into my parents, we moved to Charlotte, and I transitioned to being a stay at home mom.  Each day I see my son learning many new things, which is exciting, but it's humbling to realize I've learned so much more than he has.

I am constantly learning this thing called parenting.  As I think about the mom I've been this past year, and the mom I want to be for the rest of my life, one word comes to mind:  intentional.

This is not a post about breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, disposable vs. cloth diapers, what types of solid foods to feed, or whether the mom should stay at home or continue working.  It's not a plug for a certain book or way of doing things.  It's simply a call to make all parenting choices after careful consideration.

For me, it is so easy to go about life following the status quo - to do things the way I always have.  Change is hard, and I'm much more comfortable just going through the motions and following the norms.  This is one reason I thank God that JP didn't get into UVA.  If he had, we probably would have stayed in Charlottesville, in our house, and I'd be teaching at Red Hill full time (despite my conviction that I should be at home).  That's just the way I am.  I think God didn't let that happen because he knew we needed a little kick in order to change things up.

I'm digressing a little bit, but my point is this:  I want to parent intentionally.  I want to pray about my decisions and follow the Lord's leading to the best of my ability.  I want the foods we eat, the things we do, the vacations we take, and the way we celebrate holidays to be the result of thought and careful consideration.

I've been thinking about the holidays most of all, because, well, we're in them.  I'm trying to think of the traditions I want to create in our family and the ways I want to celebrate different holidays.  Eli is obviously still pretty little, but honestly, that's the best time to start (in my opinion).  Last year I read Treasuring God in Our Traditions by Noel Piper.  I'm looking forward to reading through it again, as well as considering other ideas, and then settling on what we want to do as a family to celebrate Christmas, Easter, Birthdays and Thanksgiving - as well as our daily "traditions".  It's fun to think of our kiddos coming to love these sweet ways we celebrate.

It's been a good year.  I'm looking forward to intentionally parenting this next one - making the best decisions I can for my family and praying that God will use them to bless our kiddos and draw them close to Him.

On Registries and Baby Things...

A week from Monday my sweet little baby turns a YEAR old.  Where did this year go?  I seems like only a few weeks ago we were bringing him home from the hospital, completely clueless as to how to care for such a little human being.  I remember feeling overwhelmed at the hospital, and shocked that the doctors and nurses were going to allow us to bundle him up and take him home.  They certainly had more confidence in us than I did.

I remember going through pregnancy trying to make all sorts of decisions.  We had to consider a birth plan, how we would feed and diaper our child.  Then, there was the registry, which I felt completely unprepared to complete.

It's different with a wedding registry.  They give you the list of "must haves" and it's not too hard to sort through which items will be essential in your household, and which, quite frankly, you could do without.  With that, I started with a simple rule:  if I've never heard of it, we probably don't need it.  If I've never used it, and my parents have never used it, we probably don't need it.  The wedding registry was fun, and definitely not stressful.

A baby registry, on the other hand, led us into uncharted territory.  We'd never had a baby before, obviously, so we couldn't use my tried and true rule.  In addition to having to sort through the things we may or may not really need, we also had to decide on brands.  So, I did the only thing I could think:  I emailed friends who had little ones already and trusted their wisdom.

Now, oddly enough, people email ME with the same question.  What should I register for?  What is unnecessary?  I've gotten the email enough times that I decided a blog post was in order.  Here are my thoughts on the registering process, the things I think are essential, and what I wish I had done differently.

First piece of advice:  It IS a good idea to email friends, but do not take their word as what will definitely be true for YOUR baby.  Babies are different, and so are their parents.  I recommend emailing friends you feel have similar lifestyles and ideas about parenting.  I also recommend thinking and discussing with your partner the ways you would like to do things and your thoughts and philosophies of parenting and then filter your advice using that model.

I also recommend getting a few different brands of things, and keeping receipts/boxes.  (For example, we got a few types of bottles, but Eli did so well with the Medela ones that we never used the others, and were able to return them).

Top Ten Registry Items (for the Mays family)
1.  A good carrier (we love the Beco Butterfly II).   Eli is almost a year old and we still use this daily for walking our dog, and I also use it for outings (Carter's Mountain, sometimes the mall) general cleaning around the house.  (I vacuumed the entire apartment with him in it the other day), and times when he gets discontent in the stroller.  We love it.  The Baby Bjorn is the more common carrier, and we did like borrowing one from a friend when Eli was really little, but I'm glad we didn't buy one (or, especially, that we didn't buy one brand new.  For $20 more we got a NICE carrier that doesn't hurt my back at all).  This is one of those items that some said we didn't need, but for our lifestyle and ways of parenting, it's been a must have.  (Oh, and we also liked having a Balboa Baby Sling when he was littler).

2.  SwaddleMe Blankets.  SOOOO much better than trying to put Eli in a swaddle with a regular blanket.  He LOVED being swaddled and stayed in swaddles until he was like 6 months old or something.  These were AWESOME.

3.  Good infant carseat.  We got a Graco Snugride 30 and I DON'T love it.  We really wish we had gotten the Chicco KeyFit, so much so that we might get a different carseat whenever we have baby number 2.

4.  A good pump.  We went for the Medela Freestyle and it was AMAZING when I was back at work.  I am so thankful that I always was able to pump enough for Eli, that he always got breast milk even when I was working.  I attribute a lot of that to the pump.  I don't use it too much now, but am still glad to have it in case we need to go out.  It was a lifesaver for the first six months.

5.  Cloth diapers for burp cloths.  Forget the cute ones.  These are way more absorbent.  Definitely the way to go!

6.  Space saver high chair.  Love this.  It goes on a regular chair and takes up way less room than a traditional one.

7.  Books.  My friends did a "book instead of card" shower, and I LOVED getting lots of board books!  We read them allllll the time. (Eli's first word, after dada, was book.  And believe you me, he still requests that we read them several times a day).

8.  Diapers/wipes.  It was nice not to have to buy these for a while.  I realllllly wish we had registered for cloth diapers though, since we did end up making the switch when Eli was about 2 1/2 months old.

9.  Frame stroller and a jogging (or, three wheeled, all terrain stroller).   Almost everyone recommended getting the travel system, which, we did.  I haven't been happy with it at all.  I really wish we had gotten a frame stroller for the carseat, and a jogging stroller for later.  I do also have an umbrella stroller that we use quite a bit these days.  It's nice because I don't even put it down most of the time, just throw it in the back of our Subaru.  But, if I need to, I can take it down easily and it's super compact.  I have big regrets about our stroller.

10.  Convertible Carseat.  We had enough credit for about half the cost of the next size carseat, but if we had done things slightly different with our registry, might could have had enough for the whole thing (I know friends who have gotten this larger item at showers).  We have the Britax Marathon 70 and like it a lot so far!  (Though Eli has only been in it for a few weeks)

Borrow (if possible) 
1.  Swing.  We were able to borrow one from a dear friend.  While I don't know that we could have done without it, I'm so grateful we could borrow and not buy it.  It would take up soooo much space in our little apartment to store.

2.  Exercaucer.  Another big thing that takes up lots of space.  It IS a great toy and keeps them contained, but is SO big and not used for that long.

3.  Activity mat.  We were given ours at a shower, and Eli loved it, but just for a short time.  I don't think it's a necessary purchase if a friend has one and their kid isn't using it.

Items we could have easily done without
1.  Boppy pillow.  Totally unnecessary in my opinion.  I nursed Eli laying down a lot of the time, and when I was sitting, I found the Boppy still wasn't something we needed.  Since we had it, he did use it some for tummy time, but it is something we certainly could have done without.

2.  Boucy seat or Bumbo.  We were given both, but we took them both back because Eli HATED them.  He ALWAYS screamed when put in either of these, so we took them back to the store.  It may  be good to borrow, at least to see if baby likes it.

So, those are my thoughts.  I'd love to hear if people have different ideas/opinions.  Is something on my list something that your kiddo didn't like/need?  Or was one of Eli's non needed items essential in your family?  It is always so interesting to me how different kiddos are!

One month away from a year!

Eli will 11 months tomorrow.  He is ONE MONTH away from a year, and is birthday party is a month from yesterday.  This year has gone by so so fast, and I've tried to enjoy every single minute of it.

Sometimes, I get teary eyed thinking about how much he's changed.  The background on my cell phone is a picture of me holding Eli on the day he was born.  It blows my mind how much he's changed.  The little (big) 9lb baby, who would only sleep on our arms, nursed constantly and could be left laying just about anywhere has been replaced by a baby who, honestly, looks more and more like a little boy every day.  He sleeps a solid 12 hrs every night, goes down like a champ, is constantly on the move and is into EVERYTHING.  I haven't tried to rush through any of his stages.  The words "I'll be glad when he..." are not a part of our vocabulary.  Each day with that sweet sweet boy is such a blessing.  And as much as I sometimes miss my snuggly child, I'm really enjoying him just as he is.

At 11 months Eli:
- can say a few words!!!  He says Mama and Dada (still not 100% sure if he knows what he's saying), Mum Mum, book (without the k sound) and duck (again, it sounds like duck without the k sound).  For all three of those he definitely knows what they mean!  It's so neat that he's starting to (verbally) communicate with us!
- LOVES to read.  We seriously read a dozen books a day, at least.  He loves to turn the pages, so we only read board books for now, and he will hold them up and say "book" to request a reading.  It's adorable.  Sometimes when we're in his room playing he'll crawl over to my lap and say "book".  Melt. my. heart.  I love it.
- is really into making messes!  Some of his favorite things to do are pulling down all the board books from his shelf (every. last. one), throwing all the toys out of his pack n play, and opening his dresser drawers and tossing his clothes on the floor.  Yep - these things spell fun.  Sometimes it can be slightly annoying, but really, I don't mind too much.  He's just so stinkin cute.
- has developed a wonderful relationship with his Dada.  They walk Ollie together and play together regularly.  When JP gets home, Eli is so excited and reaches for him almost immediately.  It makes this Mama so happy to see and hear her boys playing together, laughing and enjoying one another so much.
- crawls everywhere.  He follows me around the house and is QUICK.  He also pulls up on everything and can stand using a wall.  He also cruises on furniture!  Walking may not be too far away (though we're not in any hurry)
- sleeps and naps like a little champ!
- likes to snuggle in the mornings and when he first wakes up from a nap.  It's usually just for a few minutes but we soak it all in - most of the day he wants to move and play on his own (unless he's sitting in our laps for a story).

And, at 11 months, Eli brings us more joy than we could have ever dreamed.  He is such a wonderful blessing and we thank God for him daily!